Borderline Personality Disorder:  Consumer Talk

I can't begin to describe how extraordinarily alone and alien I have felt for most of my life, and to hear that someone may relate to my experiences is astounding to me. My first reaction to the psychiatrist who told me what I had was "more than depression, but borderline personality disorder also" was nausea and well restrained (!) fury, that he would insult me so.

BPD has sounded so revolting with its depiction’s of "infantile defense mechanisms" (an actual terminology I saw on an Internet medical journal on BPD) and out-of-control raging that it sounded like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum, or a 15 year old on drugs. But at this point, I am willing to entertain anything that might help me understand my life, and recover from the pain. For so many years, I agonized in self reflection, trying to understand but unable to identify any explanation for my problems.....

In "Alcoholics Anonymous" which I attended off and on for years, I was chastised for not "doing the steps well enough", yet when I tried to complete a "4th step" inventory, I could not piece my life together in any coherent fashion. Rather, it was snapshots of pain, that had no apparent continuity. There were sometimes, year or two stretches of time where I could function well, in my career, in my relationships, and even drink without compulsion or excess so the alcoholic "model" did not fit. Then there were the speculations of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), dysthymia, major depression and I guess anything short of schizophrenia and paranoia. In crisis, I was a walking plethora of theories.

I never understood why extreme stress or rejection prompted the depression which prompted the drinking which prompted the suicide attempts, arm cutting episodes and - when I was younger - driving at high speeds hoping to crash to just end it all.

Inevitably, after the crisis, or hospitalization, I would quickly reassemble, pull myself together, dress in my best business attire, and present myself as articulate, capable, professional, and positive - and I did have the credentials to support this persona. As a result, I have worked all over the country and internationally in wireless communications, in engineering and in management. Yet always I felt like an impostor, with dark secrets that must be closeted under lock and key. It was neither in my nature nor in my career position to be inconspicuous. I may have well have worn a sign that said "target" in neon letters. Have you any idea (I'm sure you probably do) how absolutely exhausting this was??? I will understand more, I'm sure, as I go through therapy, but my doctor seems to agree that it is a good part the real corporate engineering environment coupled with my gender and "genetic" sensitivity he claims is symptomatic of BPD. I welcome learning more about this, since recovery is not.

Death on the Run

Empty thoughts and Empty heart
leave the Lord no place to start
and Satan does his worst.

Malevolent thoughts form in a vacuum
the heart freezes and burns by turn
the mind refuses change.

Desolation wilderness resides within me
the bleak, the damp and moldy
remain in my soul
a repository for wild, rainy emotions
and All what All that is
Empty and soundless

except for the relentless, driving wind sound
the sound of Death on the Run.

"In Stark Abandonment"

How does it feel to be a woman
and a child so deep within

In a world that sees only so far
nowhere where I have been

Pity it is that children are
as hidden from the world's stare

Pity more is the ignorant
neglectful way they don't care

To play is a child's term
but sometimes play isn't so friendly

Sometimes being grown up
denies the child that's here within me

A hunger to be held close
can be misconstrued in life

And it doesn't mean it's there
after years of being a man's wife

It finds no satisfaction or peace
but only to know ceaseless ache

BPD colors what I see in life
darkening the perceptions I make

Closing me so deep within
I see nothing but the fear of losing

Regarding the world as unsafe
yet none of this was of my choosing

A mind broken by abuse
knowing years of endless battering

Home came down in pieces
to a child left alone in it's shattering

Emptiness took residence then
and fearing stumbled into misconstrue

Then black and white moved in
shading most things with their view

Hope left in stark abandonment
but not without taking joy far away

For what does a lonely child know
when sadly, BPD moves in to stay.

I look you straight in the eye
daring you to see what I hide
you came close, once or
twice
then only believed when
I lied
you pass on by while I
silently beg you to look
inside my eyes
to see the secrets and lies
look me in the eye, see my plea
just once before I die

this is for everyone that should have noticed that there was something terrible wrong. when I was in the 4th grade I spent many classroom hours puling hairs from my head. after awhile I had a scabbed over bald spot, then I began to pick at the scabs. it should have been apparent that this was not from a one time experience. when my caseworker finally showed up, I lied saying a boy pulled my hair. she never saw the scabs or scars, but then she never saw the emotional ones either. maybe she could have gotten me help then, and i would now be able to feel, love care. I am so very lonely but only choose people that hurt me. I hate being alone but only leave the house for work. i seek help but get none. I don't know where to turn. Outside looking in.

We have borderline personality disorder and many of us have additional diagnoses as well that we are dealing with. We have all been in the trenches and have suffered tremendously. Many of us have experienced severe depression, suicidal ideation, mood swings, psychotic episodes, and the list goes on.

We have the ability to become stronger. That which does not destroy us, makes us stronger. We KNOW what it's like to suffer from what we have, on top of trying to live a "regular" life as it is. Many of us KNOW what the "dark night of the soul" is - we have been there or are there now. We have experienced emotions, fears, anxieties, etc. more intensely than most people. We may feel beaten up inside sometimes but we all are really fighters, survivors. We have become stronger people from being in these trenches. We KNOW that we can and will survive as we have been through much worse.

Many of us have come not to trust Drs. or others in the mental health community. Many of us have had to suffer longer due to misinformation, lack of information and "unprofessionalism" in this mental health community. Some of us have been forced to take on the role of "Dr.", constantly learning new information about our disorder as many Drs. are so unaware of how to treat us. We have done this as we are determined to grow and to silence our suffering. There are some Drs. who even refuse to treat us as we are "difficult." Some of us have been fortunate and have found a Dr. and/or therapist who really knows what he/she is doing and we have felt relief sooner.

Some of us have families who have abandoned us, saying we are "bad" or "hard to be around." Or, we may have lost relationships or jobs due to our illness. Sometimes we may have even thought to ourselves that perhaps we ARE "bad." We feel we have failed.

We have learned that we are not alone - that there are many other sufferers out there like us. We have found we have many similarities and many differences, and we have found that we are not weak.

We are all heroes. Heroes because, for one, we ARE HERE. We have survived. We ARE surviving. We are strong.

As I said earlier, our bodies have betrayed us due to genetics and/or enduring things happening to us that we had no control over. It has been through no will of our own that we have BPD. We did not ask for it, deserve it or cause it. We are all faced with tremendous challenge and we all are fighting back. We are heroes and we deserve medals for our courage and our fortitude. What we do from here on is all that matters.

I think that the BPD patients know far more about the disorder than the psychiatrists do. For far too long, far too many of them charged us with being manipulative attention-seekers, displaying melodramatic histrionic behavior and actually enjoying the attention of ER personnel. Not one of them ever asked himself: if these people are seeking attention why is their so-called 'acting out' done privately, covertly usually behind closed bathroom doors and other such places...

Something is beginning to dawn on me-only the beginning stages. Hard to explain. Since January and WAY before then, I haven't been living a full life-only surviving it. Like having extreme tunnel vision-only seeing life through the tunnel. Always obsessed with whether a man loves me or not. Today, I felt a small, gentle opening of the tunnel-enough to make me realize I've been living in this tunnel. Not living - only surviving men from being out of my life. Surviving men in my life - emotionally hurting me, not being there...Not able to get out of the tunnel and embrace life. The LEFTOVERS of this survival mode, go into my job and my friendships, cleaning my house and having other thoughts. EVERYTHING is based on this "man-thing," this need to be loved. I've been seeing, but not seeing. In the world, but not. It has OWNED me and my life-my thoughts, my feelings, my energy, my creativity. I remember feeling that I didn't know how to do life.

This tunnel vision has affected every job I've ever had. It has severely affected my finances. I can't totally figure out, as yet, what it would be like to completely be out of the tunnel. Don't know if I ever have.

Later

...life at times is, at least for me, totally void, empty, without meaning, like time stands still, like deep within all I can see and hear and smell aren't real. These are the times I'm alone and can't find someone or something to stimulate me. It takes, at times an outer event or person, to bring the inside of me alive...I'm 40 years old and yet in some ways I am a little child wanting to be held by my mother or father and shielded by the world...

...ABANDONMENT. That is a big word for me. The monster of all monsters. That word could kill me or rather, I kill myself. Abandonment is the BIG monster that eats me alive, that makes me sick and act sick. Abandonment is what has brought me to actually feeling suicidal. Abandonment brings me way outside of reality and into a personal chaos that is so difficult to put into words. In this chaos, there is no way to climb out. No words of wisdom, no amount of insight can bring me out of it. Only the person coming back or a lot of time passing can bring this sick soul some peace. This chaos is the biggest monster I have ever faced and it seems to win over me each and every time. It's like being swallowed up. Many times it is only possible to lay my physical body down and feel the demons race inside. This is when I obsess, when I repeatedly contact the other person. Just writing that makes me cringe inside.

I am desperate in my behavior to be UNabandoned, and really I am fighting to survive. I am invisible without that person. I don't exist. Nothing inside this physical body. All of me is with the other person. I guess to me this is borderline. This actually is only one part of it. It's like there is no part left in me to pull myself up. All of me is gone.