Borderline Personality Disorder:  Consumer Talk

I am a 51 year old woman who has suffered from bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder since teen years, but was not diagnosed until 6 months ago. I am the poster child for early intervention! My entire life could have turned out differently if I had known about this illness earlier. I wasted time in college, in jobs, and in relationships; had I known about this illness sooner, I may have been a more healthy individual. But I am glad to be picking up the pieces now. I now am writing my first novel and work in a library full time. Medication and therapy has saved me, literally. A brother and two first cousins died from this illness. I hope to live to be a very eccentric old woman! 

I'm 21 years old and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 2 months ago. In some ways the diagnosis has been a relief, because I don't feel like I am the only one in the world out there that acts this way, but on the other hand when I hear how little hope there is to "cure" it totally I feel worse. 

My father is also mentally ill, but not in treatment. He took me from my mother when I was just two years old, so I have always felt like a motherless child. I have attempted suicide three times, most recently in 1998 which led to a stay at the hospital. 

I am married now and have a 17 month old daughter. I moved always from my home about two years ago but I am miserable even here. It followed me again, it always does. I have tried a lot of different meds. I recently found out I am pregnant again so I am no longer taking anything. 

The past six months I have "felt" the meaningless despair come back. In the morning I wake up with such a feeling of helplessness that I don't know what to do. It's like I walk around with a sign on my head that says "you handle it-I am incapable." 

Working has always been difficult. Since the birth of my first daughter I haven't worked. I am in school for social work and I hope one day to have a normal 9-5. I love being at home with my daughter, but when the depression sets in it is SO HARD. I think the worse part is the isolation and loneliness you feel but can't seem to come up with a solution to ease it. My prayers are with all of you. Will you please put me in yours?

This the 1st time I am going to express my self to others because I feel safe that now one knows me. The feeling I have when I am hurting is like a cancer that is eating away my life. It is a silent pain that I won't share with family members or coworkers. I feel that not even my children like me and the only reason they come around is because I am their mother and they owe it to me, I got of the subject I feel and think that at least if you have the real cancer they can cut it away and get chem-o and get better. But with this cancer I have it just eats away my life, it's a silent pain and a slow death. I just keep questioning myself what can I do different so that I don't feel so alone and unworthy of life. Am I the only one that feels this way?

What is it to be a "consumer" of the mental health system in Quebec? From where I sit tonight, it is to be your own social worker, psychologist and physician. Two nights ago I tried to take my own life with the very pills designed to improve it. No - I'm lying. I didn't want to die - only to find the help I so desperately need. What I got was a pair of ambulance technicians and a pat on the head. I was left alone again and I mean alone. The ambulance dispatch doctor promised/threatened to call my former psychiatrist and tell him what had happened. The psychiatrist has not had his secretary schedule an appointment for me and is never available for my calls repeated calls.

The CLSC (a community resource designed to help lower income needs as far as mental, physical and financial assistance) refuses to see me until I have "wrapped things up" with the above mentioned former psychologist. The psychology outreach program of the nearby prominent hospital can not tell me how to go about finding a social worker other than those offered by the CLSC. My doctor, after referring me to an overbooked psychiatrist could give me no other telephone number other than the CLSC. Its like running around in a maze with no exit.

I got into the system expecting to be taken over and looked after while at the same time being gently pushed back into the world. Instead I have been drowning; screaming for help while everyone on shore covers their ears and smiles.

I see now that it will be me alone to heal me, to listen to me, who makes sure I am not turned out into the streets to beg and who protects me from my own devious plans. I am afraid to be alone because of all the harm I inflict on myself but alone I must also learn to care for and about myself. Finding a support system among friends and family is a struggle - among professionals a joke. Don't wait to be rescued for the rescue will never come. Learn to swim.

I was diagnosed as borderline about a year ago. I didn't want to be, I knew it was coming. Like most others with BPD, I had a hard life. I hated myself. Then I felt guilty for feeling that way. I wanted out. I wanted it all to end, to go away. But it didn't, it got worse. I felt worse, I hated myself more. I buried myself in those feelings, and the only way I felt away from them was to create false securities all around me. An imaginary wall of safety that ended up making it even more horrifying in the end. I wanted to be loved. I imagined that I was. I let myself be taken advantage of. 

Everything started to hurt. Everything became so painful. One wrong comment, and I was in tears for the rest of the day wondering why everyone hated me so much. Wondering what I ever did to deserve this. I couldn't understand, in fact, I still don't understand. How much of it was real? How much of it did I create in my mind? How much of it did I encourage? How much did I provoke? 

I know how much it hurt. I know how much they didn't understand me. I know I got away. The people who I thought I could never live a day without, were the same people who took my soul from me. And they never even knew they were doing it. They thought they were helping me. They thought that they understood. They still think that. 

But now with them gone my life is easier. I'm not afraid to fail anymore. I'm not afraid to care. This hurts them more because they can't understand why I am happy without them. I still feel guilty now...but only sometimes. 

I wrote this because I know that there are so many people who feel like me. And we aren't crazy, we aren't selfish, we're scared. And it's hard to see that it could ever be  better. I have amazed myself at what strength I have inside of me. I never thought I could be so brave and so determined to do anything. I still may be a far cry from the NON-BPD individual, but I'm alive. And I'm here, and I'm struggling, and I'm me. And for the first time, I'm proud of myself. And I realize that I am the only person in this world that can make myself happy. 

I still get down, I still cry, but I know that it is only temporary. I know that I have that strength to make it better. And if I start to doubt it...I pick up my DBT workbook, I cry, I read it, and I move on. God bless you Marsha Linehan! 

Smile, he tells me
And I force one just to appease him
You are such a pretty girl when you smile.

Wipe that smile off your face this instant
And I force the smile away
You look like a smiling idiot he says.

I love your smile he says
And I smile down to my toes
It makes me know you want me he leers.

Smile, he says
And I force one just to appease him
As your therapist I recommend smiling.

i've come so far 
i feel so lost 
where's the pain coming from 
why does it chase me 
what did i do 
why is this me 
how can i escape 
where do i go 
i'm tired of running 
i'm scared to look back 
i'm frozen fear 
i cannot move forward 
how will this help me 
who do i call 
eneryone's tired of hearing me bitch 
i have nothing nice to say 
my life is shit 
oh well, what are ya gonna do. 
i'm gonna stay away 
i'm gonna like myself 
i'm gonna be happy 
just me 
happy 
with myself 
i think its working 
thank you 
the end