Borderline Personality Disorder:  Consumer Talk

The Cycle

I fell to pieces on the ground
and wondered if I'd ever get back up again.
I looked around and tried to grab ahold
of what was left of me.
I reached for this and reached for that
as it crumbled into nothingness
before my very eyes.
The sight so sore
I could not help from crying out.
But then I could not find my voice it seemed.
How could I speak
if even that I did know what to say?
For no-one listens anyway.
They see and hear yet make no sight
nor sound so as to comprehend;
the meaning of this breath
that has begun to end
long before it's time.
As I stumbled, tumbled
fell to pieces on the ground
I wondered how I'd ever get back up again...
this time.

Depression

It's not about getting dressed...or even going to your job....its about being awake inside your head. Hearing things other than static... other than constant voices or music......being ALIVE! Not feeling as though every day you're headed deeper
                                                  
                                                          and
                                                                           deeper

                                                                                            down inside your own head. Away from everyone else. And it takes a lot to p---u---l---l yourself out of your cloud. For me it takes SO MUCH. It's a struggle...it might not be seen by anyone else...but its so hard. And at that moment, getting dressed just isn't the most important thing anymore.

The Girl in the Mirror

Ticking time bomb
Run so fast
Try to overcome my past
Don't come near me
Stay right there
Please don't leave me
Don't you dare
In my mind
Is a girl
Looking out
Her thoughts awhirl
In the mirror is a face
Recognition not a trace
Looking back
Saw it coming
So she ran
and kept on running
Now she knows not how to stop
Feels as though her mind will pop
All the pieces float around
In her head
there is no ground
Just a body
Which it rents
Try and try
It makes no sense
Will she wake up
Soon and see
She is all
That's left of me
Maybe she
Is all there was
That makes sense
It truly does
All her life
She lived a lie
Locked inside
Awall so high
All she wants is not to cry
So she sits
And waits to to die.

Me

I just want to be me...
I want to be able to laugh when I want to and not be labeled "weird"
I want to be able to space off and not get looked at from another table
I want to draw what I like to draw, even if the vase is really two silhouettes
I want to be me in the only way I know how
If that means washing the floor at 3am, so be it
If that means changing my clothes nine times to find the "perfect" outfit, fine
If I want to change my hair, I should be able to
If I want red shoes, I can buy them
If I forget things, don't laugh... it's a struggle for me to remember
My rage is not at you, please try and understand my frustration
I want to just be me
To find myself without pain or rejection
To find that part of myself that hurts the most, and let it go
I only ask that you remember I'm trying my best
I'm not stupid, insane, or unworthy
I simply just want to be me...

I was abused a lot physically and sexually throughout my childhood. The worst was just the fact that my mom didn't want me and didn't love me. I've grown up feeling unloved and unlovable. I've attempted suicide five times - the first time I was six years old. Now I'm 35 and still wake up each morning wishing that I could be dead. I ache to be loved but know that I can't be, so I push people away before they can push me away. Here is a poem that I wrote that describes a lot of how I feel:


Tell me you care, but don't let me believe it.
Reach out your hand, but don't let me take it.
Listen to me; tell me you understand,
But please be sure I know you won't always be there.
My heart is broken; it longs for a healing touch,
But hoping for love would mean breaking it once too much.


All that is gold turns to dust
All that is hope turns to pain
All that I long for is taken away


Say you're my friend, but be sure to define it
As one who will help me until you grow tired of it
Be patient with me as long as you're able
But know I'm aware that it won't be for much longer
My soul is dying; I long for a desire to live,
But my reality is that death is the greater gift.


All that is gold turns to dust 
All that is hope turns to pain
All that I long for is taken away


Sweet were the moments when someone said they cared
A brief moment of peace when someone let me cry
But the emptiness that follows is too bitter to bear
The anguish I feel as I'm torn up inside
For once again I fell. I let myself believe
The lie that I could be loved - but I'm once again deceived


All that is gold turns to dust
All that is hope turns to pain
All that I long for is taken away


So don't get too close; go ahead and walk away
I'll feel too much pain if you decide to stay
Don't reach out your hand; don't say you care,
Don't set me up for failure and pain I cannot bear
If I open up my heart, don't get inside
Don't give me hope or love that I know can never be mine


All that is gold. . .