Borderline Personality Disorder:  Consumer Talk

Joyous Event   

It' s coming down so fast.
I can't take it anymore.
Life is nothing but pain,
and I don't want to be here anymore.
I try so hard
but all I get is hate.
All I get is ridiculed.
All I get is misery.
Love is a stupid game
that I always persist to try.
I get hurt every time.
Will it always feel this way?
Will the rain always fall?
Will my hope drown in tears
and be lost with the rest of my dreams?
How many times will I get excited
only to be let down in the end?
How long will I cry
after I have been let down?
How long will I be alone
after I thought someone really cared?
How long will I have to live
in this awful world?
I wish to end it now.
All alone, by myself.
Just as I am now.
No one to know.
But who would want to?
I can see their smiles now
after I'm gone.
Then we can all be happy.

"Poor Richard"

Have you ever felt so sad,

That you don't know what to say,

Have you ever felt so sad,

That you wish your life away.

Have you ever tried to explain,

Then found you just can't speak,

Have you ever lived with pain,

When each minute lasts a week?

Well, I have felt that sorrow,

And there's nothing I can do,

Each night I curse tomorrow,

As I curse my love for you.

I wish I was a bird,

And could fly away from here,

Not having to face,

Another painful day,

Nothing seems to matter,

Anymore, anyway,

So please let me have some wings,

So I can fly away.

I don't want to go through another day,

Feeling as I do,

So empty and so low,

Not knowing what to do,

Wanting to say how I really feel,

But my words fail and panic overwhelms,

So please let me be able to say,

How I really feel.

I wish I could disappear for a while,

And get right out of here,

Feeling trapped by the daily routines,

Of home and work and life,

All I want is to be happy,

Is that so much to ask,

Something has got to happen,

As I can't take much more.

Life at the Border

Happy one minute
Anxious the next
Then I'm angry
Who knows what to expect

Soon I'm in tears
And wanting to die
Suddenly it seems
There's no hope in my life

This life that I live
Is no life at all
It seems I am waiting
For the inevitable fall

Those around me
Don't know what to do
My husband, my sister
My therapist too?

I didn't intend
To make such a mess I just wanted to be loved Simply nothing less

My head is in my hands
My tears splash to the ground
I'm afraid that I will wake And no one will be around

I need some direction
Because right now, I feel fine
Please teach me what to do
So that I don't lose my mind

There is beauty all around
But I can't take joy from it

I have acquaintances, some passing friends
But none share my life, much less my bed

I have a family
But they shun me,

I make new acquaintances
They scatter and run after a brief hello

People say reach out, but who needs the pain?
I have a brain
But I am unable to bring it to bear
Except for
Anger, fear, and sarcasm, which are my forte, they energize and protect me.
But they only serve to alienate others
Why are you so angry, some say? Can't you smile?

I wonder what happiness is?
Love and work comes a master's reply.
How sad that I will never know either again

God is around somewhere
I wonder if I have caused Him to shun me and run away from me too

There is beauty all around
But I can't take joy from it

I have acquaintances, some passing friends
But none share my life, much less my bed

I have a family
But they shun me,

I make new acquaintances
They scatter and run after a brief hello

People say reach out, but who needs the pain?
I have a brain
But I am unable to bring it to bear
Except for
Anger, fear, and sarcasm, which are my forte, they energize and protect me.
But they only serve to alienate others
Why are you so angry, some say? Can't you smile?

I wonder what happiness is?
Love and work comes a master's reply.
How sad that I will never know either again

God is around somewhere
I wonder if I have caused Him to shun me and run away from me too

Diagnoses:
I think it's a combination of mood disorder and anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

I was raised in Los Angeles in a culturally Jewish family with all of my relatives living close by. It was supposed to be a loving atmosphere, but somehow I felt isolated and criticized, mostly by my mother. 

I grew up thinking I was fat and not worthy of friendships. Although I did have friends through junior high school, I fled the flock and went to a private school for high school and had to start all over making friends. I didn't retain my old friends. Same thing happened when I went to college. I left my close high school friends mostly in the background. And when I left college, I lost the friends I had there. 

To this day, I have few friends because I haven't kept up my friendships. I felt grateful for having friends and included, but yet apart. 

I was diagnosed with BPD during college, with my first suicide attempt, and then I saw therapist after therapist, and went on one drug after another. 

I went on Prozac just before it hit the cover of Newsweek. It didn't work for me, so my doctor for the moment tried every other SSRI. I had more suicide attempts over the years. They were half-hearted, but real. I just didn't want to live. I still feel that way. 

Although I'm functioning, I still feel left out of the main. I don't make much of an effort to go out of the house. 

I'm now on my second marriage, and my husband nurtures me, but I don't have any other nurturing sources in my life. 

I've always known that I was different, maybe crazy. 

Currently, I'm on the right cocktail of medicine to let me work and function relatively well, but I wish I was healthy and didn't have to pop medications all the time. My doctor thinks I am doing well, although I still like to alter my state of mind to feel a sense of comfort that I just don't feel inside.

Diagnoses:  BP, BPD

I've been checking things out about my disorders for the last few months, and still don't understand most of it. I am just trying to get to know how to use the computer, so please forgive my mistakes. 

On Oct.23-1993 my Mother died. I went to the Mental Health Clinic nearby in December, 1993 because I was so depressed and knew I needed help. after talking to the Dr. he gave me meds. for depression. 

It didn't go away, of course the fact that I stayed in the bottom of a bottle didn't help much. I kept going back to see him, and also saw a therapist, for two years. It didn't help. Six months after my Mother died, I was told I had, BPD, BP, and a PD. I didn't listen to what they were telling me and of course I didn't tell anyone else. 

After five years of trying to find ways of being with my Mother I finally stopped drinking, and started listening to what the Dr. was telling me (thanks to a wonderful and caring social worker). 

I have been sober for over two years, and I'm doing my best to stay that way. It's not easy for me because my husband won't accept what is wrong with me He thinks it's just a matter of mind over matter, and that I can help myself without the meds. The Dr. tried all different kinds of meds. but nothing seemed to work. 

I couldn't sleep for days at a time, I was too tired to even get dressed most days. I would watch the clock and just before my husband was due home from work I would jump up and run around like a mad woman to get the house straightened up. 

Three months ago my Dr. changed my antidepressant med. to a new drug called Remeron, Depakote, and Xanax. The Remeron was the only one he changed the others I have been taking from the start. Since I have been taking the Remeron, (right from the first night ) I have been sleeping every night. 

I wake up several times but soon fall back to sleep. I am able to do more things most days. I still have many bad ones but at least I see some hope now. I'm writing this to you now because the closer time gets to the ann. of my Mothers death the worse I get, time does not heal all things.

For the first year since she died I do think I can wait until it's my time to join her, I do believe a lot of the thanks has to go to the makers of Remeron and the Higher Power that gave them the means to do so.

This is the first time I have written a letter like this and I have told you much more then I have anyone about myself, I guess it's much easier when you don't have to look the person in the eye huh?