Borderline Personality Disorder:  Consumer Talk

SORROW

Loneliness creeps in like a thief in the night...
(absolute darkness) 
Cloaked in black and careless...
(incessant silence)
It surrounds me stealing my soul...
(relentless aching) 
Depleting everything inside of me...
(endless longing)
While filling me with emptiness... 
(colorless essence)
The devastation of depredation...
(merciless nothingness)
Sorrow.

Longing to feel...

I look through this window of blue, 
with fear and doubt of what lies ahead
I press my finger tips upon this window,
and feel the coldness that lays heavy against the glass,
This room from which I live is somewhat small,
but I am hidden from where my fears are born.
I am safe from all that threatens 
what is left of my heart,
and every day I wonder what it's like
to live without fear, without doubt 
and to have inner peace consume your every soul 
I see the beauty that life has promised,
and reach to open the window 
only to realize it cannot be opened
I can only see, all that is of wonder, beauty
and peace that fills this pane of glass, 
but never can I take it for my own, 
for there is a wall that surrounds my heart,
and it is a prisoner from that which 
awaits just outside this window 
I feel my soul trying to escape from
the wall that binds it to this darkness,
day after day I pray for freedom to
rescue me from this prison of pain.
I ask for faith in what has been promised
and pray for trust to get me through .
If one could only see through this
prison of sadness that I live, One would see
A life wanting to live, wanting to love
but, trapped to the fear of the unknown 
and bound to the pain 
that has embraced my dying heart, 
Oh how I long to be saved from this misery
Is there one who possesses the strength 
to withstand the power of this wall 
that traps my soul from life, and 
imprisons my heart from love? 
Lord Jesus! Please break away this prison 
that I have built and release this soul that
longs to live and heal this heart that
longs to love and be loved. 
For what is life without a soul
and a heart without you?
I give to you, Lord Jesus, 
the key that opens the door 
to my prison of pain. 
Please Lord, 
Will you Save me?

In a dream.  In Reality. If the words were to flow, what would happen?  My mind is full and so is life.  The confusions, distractions and life itself. To spit it out, to let it loose.  Go out on a limb, pull it back again. Like the dream, you scream, nothing comes out.  Oh, is my thoughts and words.  Poetic justice, life on paper.  Can it come out, bit by bit?  If I make it, if I force it, then the magic will lose it's meaning.  Let it out, let it go.  What's the fear, come tell me now.  The emptiness is silently killing; The creative genius deep inside.  What happened to her?  Where did she go?  What became of her?  The passion of art, the passion of thought. The music, the life of others.  Compassion choked.  The real spirit buried under the ruble of all.  All, of all, that terrible all.  Created by some, but mostly by self.  A door mat, a thing.  Stop it you fool!  It's never too late to wake up and take your right place.  Stand up and be held accounted for you, your life, your actions!  Yes, the bed is yours, you have made.  Get out of it.  Make it again!  Where is that girl, where did she go?  Find her, please find her!  She's lost and so cold.  She's aloneand frightened and needs your attention.  She's inside of you and only you know how to reach her.  to teach her and let her know she's okay.  Reach right in, pull her out.  If she needs to, let her shout.  Let her scream, let her cry.  Let her laugh, let her sigh.  Let her play, but Please...let her out!!

I am a 30 year old male diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago. After 5 years of therapy, I stopped about 5 years ago. I guess you can say I am one of those success stories. I still go through the feelings and thoughts I had before, but the volume is turned way down. I feel depressed occasionally, but no where near the point of suicide. I feel angry, but far away from the point of rage. I know what it is like in those depths of hell, where you don't want to die, but you want the pain to go away. There seems like only one way out of a black and white world, but that is where you must stare, in the intersection of the two extremes until it turns into a rainbow of options. I find the best drugs come from within. Adrenaline is the best drug, which comes from exercise. Vitamins are also important. Deficiency in certain nutrients can cause other deficiencies which could lead to rapid mood swings and rage. I also abstain from drugs like alcohol, not because I am an alcoholic, but because I know it taxes my liver which regulates the chemicals in my blood.

To the scared, lonely, fellow BPD suffers out there...I Love you 

"To all my brothers and sisters with BPD,
you all share something special with me.
A way that's special, it doesn't mean good,
I'd change it for all of us,
if only I could.
The "brain pain" that comes,
from within our own mind
is cold, unfair, and so unkind.
Savaging is the beast,
that plays with our head,
God it hurts so bad,
I wish I were dead.
But along with this disorder
comes 'something' that makes us strong,
and sometimes we do things that feel so wrong.
We've finally come together, tho, for all to see,
to let the entire world know what it means to be "me".
And through courage, faith, hope, and written word,
by the whole entire world we'll eventually be heard.
Now to bring it on down
to something that runs deep:
Always remember this when you feel weak,
we've united for a cause
that only we yet understand,
and to hold yourselves up,
hold on to our hands.
I will surely need yours
and you will need mine,
but down this path TOGETHER,
there's only courage to find."

as each day passes,
new doors open but
old memories
come back and
surface with
familiar feelings,
with the original pain
even wanting to move on is hard
because the past always shadows over you

she fights everyday to find herself,
but sometimes the obstacles she must face
are too much to bear.
so she goes to bed night after night,
wondering if it's possible to find herself -
within her dreams
night falls as she slips away, deep into
the depths of her thoughts - a dark figure emerges,
she is so small and quiet, she tries to speak,
but someone much larger and stronger grabs her,
and steals her away

What can be done
Songs can be sung
But do they ever comfort
My heart can hear their laughter
Do they think it's funny?
My horrors guide me into hell
God's probably forsaken me
Does anyone want me?
I can't hear you...
Does anyone care to listen?
There is silence in the air
I want to be loved
But everyone stares
Made
I was made for this
All the world has shown me
The innocent and ignorant are
Not as stupid or as ignorant as I
I'm gone, there's nothing left.
I'm just what what you made me.
Is this good enough for you
Ma'am?
Heaven or Hell
Am I your creation,
God?
Or am Hell's angel
I know
I am surely Doom's
What have I done?
Is this fate?
My God,
My God?
Everyone tells me you
Have forsaken me...
What did I do?
Have I hurt you?
I am your pawn?
Where do I belong God?
Your light?
Or Hell?
What's Begun
What's begun will never end
What hell is next?
Holy wars began since life began?
How can I..
Decide....
Toss me up..
Throw me out...
I feel dead and lost.
Paranoia, evil, blackmail
What the hell is wrong with me
Did I ask for this?
What's begun will never end.
This cycle was meant to destroy me.
Hope is wrong and deadly.
No one gives hope to Doom
I am Death's friend and I seek it every night
Doom
I found you one day
You were very polite
No one hears my cries but you
No one see the lost
Doom, I know your pain
You know mine
I can't stand this
Why isn't anyone else listening to us?
My 'friends' have just forced me into a role of submission and I can not escape. I am alone and I want to talk but nobody listens to me. Not to mention one of my friends has as much love as a vampire and she bears Hope inside of her. She says I stole my 'friend' Anna's hope. I pray I didn't cause that makes me a horrible person. I'm hoping that I can escape from this some how but nothing has come to help me yet. I'm selfish and greedy and maybe that's why I'm writing this down.

I'm 30 with bipolar, and have not really been diagnosed w/ BPD. However I think there is a really good chance of have yet another thing wrong. I don't cut, yet I pound my head into walls, floors, and even punch myself in the head. As a teenager I would bite myself, and cut a little into my wrists not enough to do anything but a lite train of blood. Before womanhood set in I would pick at my scabs and watch the blood stream down and then lick or suck the blood. Now I'm a mother of 2 young children and am deadly afraid to see one of them have this. My father has BPD, he is in denial, yet the man constantly self-inflicts himself. I want to die, however I have to stay alive for my babies, they need their mother even if I'm lost in fighting urges everyday. I'm married to a man whom will eventually leave me. I do and say all kinds of things to him hoping he will leave. He deserves so much better than me.

Last night i became honest with myself. I was told to write affirmations of
myself, but came up with the opposite.

I AM

a bitch
a slut
a whore
trash
dirt
filth
fat
ugly
weak
a liar
a manipulator
a waste of space
a lost cause
a problem
small
flawed
useless
conniving
selfish
stupid
a waste of flesh
an orca whale
hopeless

Why can I not find it in me to turn these thoughts around?
I only hope that one day I CAN make that list of affirmations...

Thanks to meds and intense therapy and a willingness to learn new patterns of relating and coping, I'm doing really, really well right now. It's been very difficult, but extremely worthwhile.

Dark

Darkness closing in
I'm almost off the edge
In a freefall
Screams I stop in my throat
Stifled by constriction

I'm a walking, talking dichotomy
A double-minded human
A most dangerous place to live
I can physically feel the danger
Closing in around me
Trying to rid me of what hope I have left

The tiredness is the part I dislike most
Too tired to make an effort to resist
Too tired to make an effort to do something
Too tired to really live
Too overwhelmed by the things most do naturally

I'm feeling extreme urges to run
From what? To where?
No clue
Or maybe I have one -- from pain
But if I run it would be to pain as well

The joy you see on my face is my wall
My ability to disconnect briefly from what I feel
A sick little gift from childhood
A survival mechanism
But am I really surviving?
Yes...for now

Until the pain becomes too great
The pain that resides in an orb
In my chest
Threatening to detonate
Living in fear of what happens when it does

The children are what keep me pasted together
For now
To keep up the appearances of normalcy
For the sake of their minds
Their sweet innocent little minds
They could never understand this
It would corrupt them
But can I keep this up?

I am a cancer that eats away on your life
A parasite that feeds on attention
A manipulator
The spider that destroys her mate
I am danger

I've tried for so long
I don't have the will to try anymore
To change, To heal, To be
Whatever it is I should be
It would be so much easier to be what I am

I'd like to love, but I can't
I'd like to learn, but I don't
I'd like to live, but I'm not
And I don't know how much more I can take
Taking is what I do best