Borderline Personality Disorder:  Consumer Talk

I have known about my borderline personality disorder since freshman year of high school, but didn't start self-destructive behavior until a year after I graduated. I was cutting and taking pills to overdose., but now each episode gets closer and closer to something bad happening. At first, I would take only a small amount of pills, but my last episode (3 weeks ago) I took a ton of Tylenol with alcohol, my mom's hydrocodone, and a ton of my iron pills for my anemia. I'm anemic because last summer I went through a phase of "draining" my own blood via some IV angiocaths from the hospital. I wanted to see how far I could go before getting lightheaded and dizzy, and when it happened, it didn't feel good at all. I remember passing out on the floor near the AC vent because I was going into shock and felt hot. Lying there, I could feel my cat coming up and sniffing me, then getting on my back, and all I could think of is, I hope he doesn't sense what is going on. Through all that, I can't really remember the dread I felt at that moment, so I long to feel that way again-dizzy, lightheaded, unconnected, on the edge of something big.

Now I'm 24 and I am back living with my parents after numerous failed suicide attempts to do something, like finish college or get a job to support myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be here forever. It's strange, ever since I can remember, I have hated my parents getting close to me, physically. I get freaked out when they hug or kiss me, and I can't hug them back, and would never kiss them. I can't eat after them, or drink after them, and I even have trouble going to the bathroom after them. Yet I was never physically or sexually abused by them. Instead I look for constant affection from men, and almost always the physical contact is sex. It's good enough for me at the time, but then I want him to stay in my life forever and touch me and kiss me and support me.

My reason for having training in a medical profession came when I thought, if I love the rush and adrenaline of emergency medicine, the place I crave to be, why not be on the other side of it, being the one in charge, not the patient for once. I've had 2 jobs in the medical field, but had breakups and overdosed and cut myself, forcing me to lose my jobs.

The guy I'm seeing now is pretty dysfunctional himself, and he has temper problems, drinks a lot, and at first I didn't like him, until something clicked in my brain, like, "he likes you, dummy, he is someone who might take care of you forever," and now I'm almost obsessed with him. The fact that he is dysfunctional almost comforts me because for a long time I've felt that no "normal" guy would ever want me. One guy I dated said, "When I first met you, I thought you were perfect. Then I found out about your problems." That's nice. As much as I hate the disease, I felt that it is a part of me, and there is no imperfections with me, or anyone. Everything is an essential part of me.

Spring is right around the corner, and it seems that I can only function decently in the summer, so I've got to prepare for the three months when I'm a person again.

Is there anybody out there whom will listen? You all look at the strange things I (unintentionally) do or say and laugh.  Do you think that I want to be this way?

How would you like to wake up everyday hoping that you don't take your own life, or wake up and think "Oh, my God, I hope that I don't do or say anything stupid or inappropriate today like yesterday."

How would you feel if you asked someone for their opinion and kept getting blown off, while whenever anyone else would ask them something, and that person gets an answer?  I am not looking for sympathy; merely for understanding, people. People tell us "oh, that’s all in the past." Well, not for those of us whom are mentally ill. Everyday I see things (places, etc.) that brings the pain flooding back. You tell us when we go to you for spiritual based counsel "I don't think you're mentally ill." Would you say to someone that has cancer and in need of counsel to deal with it "I don't think you have cancer."? I didn't think so.

How would you like to be afraid of getting reprimanded whenever an authority figure asks to speak with you just because of how authority figures had abused you in the past in front of others, and even now you cannot enter the military or get afraid when you see police (though you have not done anything wrong) because of the way you perceive authority as abusive or something to be feared, and not something to get along with.

How would you like to have been so abused in school that even now you will not attend reunions because seeing those people both again and successful while you are still at home at 31 years old makes you angry at how un feeling they were? Don't give me that shit "all kids are like that." I write letters to people wanting at least an acknowledgment that they received my letter that I sent telling them what has been happening.

How would you people like it to also not attend reunions or weddings because you feel so inadequate that you are afraid if anyone asks you what you have been up to, and you tell them of your low-paying job and still being at home and are afraid that they would laugh, that you would actually physically harm them? Don't give me the shit "just ignore the  girl" about why I should go to the wedding; isn't that why you go to those fucking things? I know that if I would have been able to, and didn't have morals, that there would have been a few incidents back in school.

You all that are not mentally ill have no idea how something can seethe inside you still after all these years as if it just happened to you. We try, but a lot of us cannot "just get over it." The pain and our tears are real. We just want to be understood, not f eared or just as bad; ridiculed.

But how can we help you to understand that we need to talk to someone (not  just a therapist, either) if you just keep blowing us off? No wonder I quit trusting and talking to people. I would love to see those of you whom have laughed at me( or would) try to deal with the fears and angers associated with borderline personality disorder just for 6 months. Let's see who's still laughing then.

I was diagnosed probably 2 years ago but have known "forever" that I was not right, that I would never be happy and secure no matter what or who I had.

I have been married and divorced from the same man two times and I am currently married to a crack cocaine addict that I left my husband for. I have two girls 5 and 11 that I love very much but that I feel I am ruining emotionally. I drink even though I have a disease of the liver. I feel terrible most of the time, angry almost all of the time, spiteful and resentful much of the time. I have had more affairs than I can count trying to find "Mr. Perfect", like he'd want me if he was all that! I am attractive and outgoing and fairly intelligent but I never measure up on the inside of myself. I don't cut (but I have) and I have taken pills on several occasions which is how I came to be diagnosed.

When I saw the criteria for borderline personality disorder I fit it to a tee. At least it was better knowing I wasn't alone in this insanity that we call life. I have many, many days where I feel like I want to die. I have been on every medication out there but have probably never given it enough time. I am looking for that quick fix that doesn't exist. My first experience with a therapist (before diagnosis) was with a female (I am female, 36 yr. old) when I told her about the affairs her answer was that my ego was too big! Yeah, I love myself so much I want to spread myself around!!

I am not in therapy now and have never given that much of a shot either. I had a terrible weekend where I punched my husband repeatedly in the face with my fists and he finally did the same thing back, problem is he weighs about 215 lbs., but when he hit me it didn't hurt, I just wanted to kill him. I hope one day I will find some kind of peace. If I didn't feel so guilty about my kids maybe I could find the "courage" to die or maybe I'd find some reason not to want to. Good luck to everyone else, if you're like me you will certainly need it.

Thanks for listening.