Borderline Personality Disorder Life Stories

21 year old; history of sexual abuse and hospitalizations

I never really knew why I was who I was....
It should have been obvious. I was severely sexually abused as a small child. I didn't tell anyone until I was a teenager. I started having sex at the age of 14. I used drugs, I smoked, I DIDN'T CARE, but I did. I cared. And it hurt. I was extremely self-abusive and it got to the point where I wanted to kill myself to rid myself of the anger, the hurt, the pain, the confusion. 

My parents had to put me in state custody to keep me alive. I felt worse, I  felt unwanted and abandoned. I lost who I was. I spent my high school years in and out of hospitals, group homes, and Intense Residential treatment Programs. It was there that I was diagnosed with BPD. I struggled with my sexuality and had overly intense relationships with both men and women. At the age of 18, I was placed in an independent living program. I got a job, went back to school, and tried to make something of myself. I failed of course. I ended up in the hospital again at age 19. Now, I'm almost 21. 

I'm getting married, I have a new apartment, new friends, a new job, and the man who abused me JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL. I was doing so well.... I just hope that I can start doing better again soon, and I hope I don't forget how hard it is to climb out of a hole that you dig for yourself...