Borderline
Personality Disorder Life Stories
43 year old female with history of self
harm, doing well
I'm a 43 year old female diagnosed borderline personality disorder
(BPD) 16 years ago. Having read several letters by other BPD's I feel
compelled to tell at least part of my story. I went through the
childhood sexual and emotional trauma of many BPD's. Though never
having had an official diagnosis (to my knowledge) prior to 16 yrs
ago, I had been in and out of treatment much of my adult life to no
avail. For me the diagnosis was liberating. I had a name for all the
craziness.
I've been fortunate, an excellent therapist who has seen me through
the years of abusive and destructive behaviors. A husband of 21 years,
whose co-dependency actually ended up being helpful, and kept us
together until we could both grow and change. The scars from cutting
are faded and white and most people don't even notice them. I haven't
OD'd or been hospitalized in almost 10 years, though for a while if
felt like I lived in the hospital and visited home. I have 5 beautiful
children. The older ones have recovered from the abuse I heaved on
them as small children. They know that they have to be wary of their
mental health because I have a strong incidence of mental illness and
suicide in my family. But they know how to feel and express it.
Something I had to wait to adulthood to learn.
I still take medication. I'm still in therapy 2-3 times/ week. It's
expensive with the limitations of insurance (a whole different form of
abuse), but we made the decision to sacrifice many things so that I
could stay alive. I reached a crisis point where that was the ultimate
decision. Stay alive and work to get better, or give in to the urge to
end it. Staying alive and not changing wasn't an option. It was no
longer bearable. When I made that decision, things changed. It's been
incredibly difficult, and I'm not symptomless. I just have learned to
live with my limitations and to respect them. I have abandoned
religion, a great source of my self deprecation. I have learned to
trust my instincts (not my impulses). If there's a god, I'll deal with
it when I have to. Till then, there's life to be dealt with, not
afterlife.
I'm learning so much, I feel like a child in many respects, a healthy
child that I parent myself. In other ways I've never been more adult.
I feel a sensuality and an appreciation for my body that I never
thought possible. I have the body of a 43 year old woman who has had 5
children, and it doesn't look like my 18 yr old's, and yet I'm
learning to see and appreciate the beauty of it. I still rely heavily
on therapy and the routine of it and the feedback, and the grounding
influence it has on my life, but I have learned to work there. I have
learned to cut through the crap. I've learned to be honest about
what's happening and what I feel and not to hold back important
information. I've learned to accept criticism without feeling totally
devastated by it. I've learned to trust. I've learned that
understanding is important. That if I have a deep understanding about
what's happening, change happens automatically, I don't have to DO
anything, just be aware and the choices I make based on my
understanding lead me in the right direction.
All I'm saying, I guess, is this: Borderline's seem to be intelligent
people. Our minds have the healing elements inside. There is hope. It
requires diligence, but if you are ready for the change, the resources
will come to you. There are no quick fixes. It will be your job the
rest of your life to be healthy. But, as with any job, the longer you
do it the easier it becomes. You become familiar with what is
required. Good luck on your journey, the rewards are in the traveling
well, not the final destination.
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