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| Borderline Personality Today | ||||
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Borderline Personality Disorder Life Storieshistory of neglect, self harm and suicide attemptsI was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder over six years ago. My life has always been one of torment, in my own mind. I did not have a happy childhood. I was always being pushed away, neglected, ignored, and never felt loved. Nothing I have ever done has been good enough. I always felt there was something different with me, I have always been attached to someone or something. When a friend would go on vacation, I felt abandoned. The only time that I ever felt I belonged anywhere growing up was when I was smoking pot. My "friends" accepted me the way I was. They never judged me. When I was seventeen I learned the power I could hold with a man by having sex with them. I have never had a relationship other than a sexual one, though for me they were always more than that. I ended up having twin daughters when I was eighteen. I have been trying to raise my daughters the best that I can, as I am raising them with very little help from anyone. They are the only ones that I have ever felt that have truly loved me, a love that I don't feel I deserve. All I have ever wanted was to be loved and to belong. When I was eight, I wanted to die. I was thinking about suicide before I knew what it was. I started cutting when I was nine. A little slice here and there, nothing ever major. When I was sixteen I looked forward to getting my drivers license so I could run the car into a support column on the highway, or into a semi truck. I drove very recklessly, I didn't want it to be an obvious suicide. When I was in my early twenties I started overdosing and cutting again. The only thing that made me make the phone calls when I felt myself slipping away was the thought of what my suicide would do to my daughters. Even now as I sit here and write this, I want to stop the pain. However, there is only one way that I know will stop the pain for me. Medications only work for a while, and I am getting tired of taking all the medications that I do. I am tired of changing meds every time that I build up a tolerance to them. Sometimes I think I am doing more damage to my girls by exposing them to the violence of my mood swings. I have never hit my daughters, but I never know when I will no longer be able to walk away when I am angry. The anger I feel just boils over sometimes, and I do not know why, or when it will do that. Sometimes I get to the point that all I see is red. I am tired of always yelling and wanting to hurt myself and others. I am tired. I am tired of everything, of living, of the pain. I am not sure how much longer I can use the thought of my daughters growing up with a mother that killed herself, to keep myself from doing it. All I want is for the pain to stop. No one around me seems to understand what I am going through, no matter what I try to help them understand. No one around me seems to want to help. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. My last attempt was a very serious one, and I know that my next one will be a successful one. I am at the end of my rope and don't know how much longer I can hang on. Something is going to have to give. All I have ever wanted was someone to love me and take care of me when I need to be. Being hospitalized is no longer an option for me. I cannot take my girls with me when I am in the hospital, and I have no one to help me with them. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I can't stand the pain much longer. I don't know what to do anymore, and don't have anyone I can turn to that can understand and help. I know that I have to fight through this down time, and that tomorrow will be another day, I am no longer sure I want to make it to that day. Even in the present, I live in the past. I cannot comprehend the future. I live day to day, sometimes minute to minute, and right now second to second. I have learned to live life one day at a time, and the future for me is what lies ahead in the vastness of the dark tunnel ahead of me. Every time that I think that I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it ends up being a glimmer of false hope that quickly goes out when I get so close that I can feel something besides the loneliness and pain. Hopefully one day soon I will find the help I need to get out of the tunnel and into the light. The walls of the tunnel are starting to collapse onto me, and I am not sure if I will be able to get out before the tunnel collapses completely. Right now I just exists, I want very much to live, but don't know how. 
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