borderline personality disorder personal story
self harm
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Borderline Personality Disorder Life Stories

woman with history of abuse, suicide attempts and self harm

The world came crashing around me in the spring of 1998. As I stood in my now ex- boyfriend's living room and he informed me that he no longer loved me, the world that once spun around me at cosmic speed came to an abrupt halt. We were together for two years and during that time, I clung to him as if he were my sole chance for savior.

Before the breakup I knew that I had emotional problems but it was not until then that I realized how severe they were. I had grown up in a mentally and physically abusive household where I could never live up to my father's expectations. It didn't take long for his expectations to become my own which compounded matters. At that point, I could not even meet my own expectations. 

I came from a very wealthy home where looking like the picture perfect family was of the utmost importance. I could not even talk to anyone about the difficulties I was having because I was afraid word would get back to him and I would be punished for soiling his reputation. There were times when he would hit me or scream at me when I would actually leave my body. I was not the little girl he was scolding, "Who is that poor little girl" I would ask myself as I watched from outside my body. I later learned through counseling that this could have been the beginning of a multiple personality but fortunately, it never manifested itself. I spent every waking minute trying desperately to please him, just to hear him say "good job" was like someone giving me a new lease on life. 

At the age of 21, I moved out of his home and in with a friend. It was an amazing feeling, being able to breathe freely. Through high school and college, I always had tons of boyfriends. Not because I liked having so many, just because I was afraid one would leave and I would be left alone so I made it my personal objective to have many men in my life. I always treated the men like dirt until they finally decided they'd had enough and told me to hit the road. At that point, I would cry and convince myself I could not live without them. Up until Jimmy, the last boyfriend, I managed to get over the breakups. 

Jimmy and I met in the summer of 1996 and from the very beginning he treated me terribly. I now devoted every minute to trying to please him although I never could. Finally, in 1998 Jimmy told me he wanted to break up with me. As I stood in his living room, all I can remember feeling is numbness. I had no feeling from my toes to my head. I looked across the second story living room and kept picturing myself running across the room and throwing myself out the window. To this day, I cannot remember why but something stopped me. I walked out of the house, got into my car, drove home and took 35 pills. After an hour I didn't feel like I was dying so I cut my wrists and watched as the blood dripped out. The next thing I remember was waking up in the psych ward of a local hospital. I really don't remember the two months I spent there, I just know it was bad. I had no will or desire to live. I was worthless. When they finally allowed me to leave, I began therapy with an excellent psychiatrist and also a psychologist. The next year was very hard and I battled every day with cutting myself. With the help of doctors and medication, I am now getting better and have not cut myself in 2 months. It's a long road but there is hope. If you have any of these problems, do not keep them inside, see your doctor, it can and will get better.

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