A Look Up

Always changing, that's me....but at least now it seems I'm changing for the better. Some days are tough...but that's relatively "normal" for everybody. That old familiar pull on my anger chord from deep within is still there, probably will always be there, but now I am able to see it for what it is, an automatic reaction to stressors learned long ago for survival, but I can realize that it is not necessary for my survival now, and I have learned
ways to relax that pull....to basically tell myself that it's ok, take a deep breath, think through this before you act, before you judge, before you go into fight mode, just slow down and think and process. This takes lots of practice, which I still continue to do daily, but it's getting easier.

I don't think that anybody really overcomes borderline personality disorder, but rather learns to manage it, to control it, and also to "simply" tolerate it. From my personal experience I believe that we must face whatever or whoever it is that we are really fighting with. Not necessarily face to face, but heart to heart....forgive, let go of, agree to disagree...whatever. This is basically a way to regain control of our lives, to take it back from our pasts, to no longer allow the past to control what we do today. It's our responsibility and our choice to do so. 

The hardest part (for me) is learning how to avoid the constant negative thinking, the constant defeat of myself even before I've begun to even try, being my own worst enemy, worst critic. A lot of these negative thoughts cannot simply be erased, but rather must be replaced with a new thought, one that is more positive, more rational. Where I'm at now with this is just to the point of being able to tell myself "I don't know how I'm going to do at _____, but I'll give it a try"....instead of telling myself "I know I'm just going to screw this whole thing up so why bother even starting _____".

We can achieve, we can grow, we can create and we can love and trust...but first we must nurture that part of ourselves that got hurt, terribly hurt and banished into hiding long ago which allowed this other personality to take over and somehow manage our lives, to protect us. We have needs, wants and desires...all of which are possible, in time.

Take care of you, for you, because you deserve it after all you've been through, survived in spite of the odds...you're still here, alive and kickin', so reward yourself. This goes for all of us. We are special people that deserve our own successes, no matter how large or small. We can accomplish, build and grow...and for us, the sky's the limit.

Anonymous