Having Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder Mental Health 

I am a 25-year-old female British Citizen who recently moved to England on the 21st of January 2002.

I was born in Strasbourg France on the 4th July 1976 and lived there with my British parents and my older brother until the age of 5. We then moved to Switzerland as my father pursued his career with an international company. I grew up in a small town called Fribourg and went to school like all the other children, but from a young age some of my behaviours where a little disturbing as I would write notes of anger and feelings of suicide. But my parents thought nothing of it, as they believed it was part of growing up. I was an average student and studied hard. I went to college and by the age of 16 started smoking and drinking and was starting to feel more and more mood swings yet tried to cope by releasing pressure with the alcohol. At the age of 18 I suffered from depression as it was later discovered and dropped out of college. The pressure of studies being lifted I regained confidence and studied hard to enter the Midwifery school.
I was chosen out of 60 students to be one of the 19 students to start the course in October 1995.I moved to Geneva to live on my own for the first time. I started to suffer from binge eating, I then seeked help from a nutritionist who referred me to a psychiatrist. I went into psychotherapy and suffered from three other depressions, migraines and various somatic illnesses all through my four years of Midwifery. My social life was pretty hectic with unstable relationships and excessive drinking. Although I always maintained a totally happy and fulfilled appearance.

I was almost off training 50% of the time yet managed to succeed and was qualified as one of the top students of my year.

At this point no diagnosis had been made, I went on to work at a local hospital and my health was showing more and more signs of weakness. I suffered from a severe depression that lead me to the mental Hospital and up to that point my parents where unaware of my unhappiness and distress, not that they did not care but no emotions or any signs would be shown. I was successfully treated for the depression and recovered with the help of antidepressants and psychotherapy. Yet I was told that I could no longer work as a midwife as I had a low stress tolerance and severe mood swings.

Again as mental health is difficult to assess, no formal diagnosis was made but I was taken in charge and treated with psychotherapy and various medication in an attempt to stabilise my condition. 

It was suggest I tried a professional conversion and applied for a job as a secretary. I started my new job in November 2000.

In the February of 2001 my brother married and shortly after I relapsed into depression. I was once again admitted on my own accord into the mental hospital as I felt I needed extra support. I was released after 3 weeks to continue my treatment in the community and was then diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I tried to maintain my job but mood swings and depression was made it impossible for me to maintain my job. After extensive research the disability pension scheme in Switzerland agreed to Disability benefits dating back to July 2000. I had to sell my car and reduce my costs as allowances came to about a quarter of my salary, but received treatment and was treated by my psychiatrist who saw me twice a week to assess medication and to follow up on psychotherapy. I had to give up on a lot and accept my disability.

I was lucky though I met my partner and chose to move to London to start a life with him in January 2002.

Mental Health in the UK, well, difficult to know where to start. I realised the system was very different immediately when I registered with a GP who prescribed the medication I had been on for the past year but was ready to stop it within the next two week after my first consultation, without prior psychiatric consultation. I moved to the Borough of Ealing in March and registered with a new GP. With the added stress of the move and the struggle to find help and the resources available I felt very vulnerable and consulted the A&E department of the Hammersmith Hospital on the 8th of April at 7:30 am having not slept for the past 3 days. I was finally seen by the psychiatrist of the department at 3pm who saw me for 30 min and sent me home with a referral to the Community Mental health resource centre. The doctor was fully aware of my condition, as I had even thought of bringing my notes from Switzerland and the reports of the Mental Hospital I had stayed at. He also knew that I had no friends or close family here.

I found myself dependent on my partner who luckily or unluckily was momentarily out of a job. He was my only resource; I then researched the net and discovered Mind who suggested I contact the community advocate. She has been marvelous and is fighting for my rights.

I am battling every day with an illness that is invalidating and difficult to live with that some days I would prefer to take my life rather than put my partner through so much suffering. Yet I was told by a psychiatrist a the mental Health Resource Centre that I just needed to talk and that medication was not necessary and I am not a psychiatry case. I was asked if I was a threat to someone's life, untreated yes, my own. But it doesn't seem to be that important to the mental Health team. 

Maybe it would be one problem less to deal with. I have been told I am too well to get help and that my condition would worsen if was to be treated as a person that is mentally ill. How can you tell me that my illness is not as bad as schizophrenia, it is not recognized because people don't know about it. Many years ago, schizophrenia was labeled as being caused by the demon and that the person needed to be exorcised.
But what do you do with human beings that need help in this country. Either you put them in a mental Hospital and forget about them or leave them in the community and tell them they are not sick enough. Until of course the condition worsens and then we are sick enough to be admitted.

I am scared of what could happen if I was admitted or what it takes to be admitted. A hospital should be that crouch we need to lean on and supported so that we feel safe again, not somewhere where one is frightened to go to because we will be with other patients that are could make our illness worse. I am like anyone in appearance but I am ill and have come to accept that, now it is your turn to accept that Borderline Personality Disorder is an illness and needs to be treated.

Anonymous