Feeling Torment

I'm 37 years old. I was just told by a doctor I suffer from borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder II, and anxiety/panic disorder. I'm not afraid of dying and going to Hell, I feel I've lived here on earth already in PURE HELL. Life is to be lived with love, joy, happiness, family, children and friends. 

Sure there will be times of pain, sorrow and grief, but in time it passes. But when you have a borderline personality disorder you ALWAYS FEEL all the pain and torment inside your heart, mind, body and soul and it is pure agony. No one can even try to comprehend this life style? 

Having BPD takes your life away. It turns the love one has for you and makes them walk away from you. I feel I never grew up and I haven't grown as one does, as years come and go. I'm mad as hell at this illness. So many wonderful people I have met and liked and loved and I lost them all forever because of my self hatred and the torture of my illness that I have inflicted upon them. 

God knows I never meant to hurt anyone. But because of my pain they felt it and left. That's the key they got up and walked away from the pain and I'm left standing with no where to run to, to escape. 

I don't know what the answer is? I just pray that if I decide I can't take it anymore God will understand that I didn't want to die, I wanted to live. I just wanted peace. I pray for mercy for all of us out there who suffer and still are suffering.

Anonymous