BPD Not Abused

I am one of the rare Borderliners. I was not abused nor neglected as a child. And yet I have this disorder.

I first saw a counselor when I was 16 years old. I had an eating disorder. Then that counselor sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

I began my cycle of antidepressants. Started with Prozac for a year. It put me to sleep basically and aggravated my mitral valve prolapse, which has also been linked to my disorder. Then that didn't work and I went on Zoloft. And that didn't work and I went on Paxil by my senior year. 

That was the year I began to have extreme mood swings and rage. Actually I had had them before but they were always triggered by something. That year they were not triggered by anything. 

That summer I stopped taking all medication and thought that I was doing fine. However, when college started, I only took one course. Then the next semester I began to take 4 courses and I dropped out, because I just couldn't go.

I began to have extreme social phobia. So I decided to go back to the doctor. This time, I went to my family doctor. He spent more time with me, and was up on the latest treatments for depression, mental disorders, etc. He is a great understanding doctor. He put me on Luvox, and Ativan and Klonopin as needed. Still not knowing what I really had I kept on with my life and found a job.

I worked there for 3 months and quit basically because of the same reason. Social phobia. I had a loss that summer in July. It wasn't a death but just a loss of a little
girl I had been taking care of for a long time and her single father whom I was in love with. They had to move suddenly. I lost 30 lbs in a week and walked in a cloud for the next year. When it became March I got breast implants, thinking it might help my self esteem. However, I had been in such a depression and was over medicated on ativan and klonopin everyday to stay calm that I had gained a lot of weight so it really didn't help. Still haven't lost the weight. So I decided to go to a new Therapist and he sent me to a psychiatrist at a hospital called hillcrest as an outpatient. 

There I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Mood Disorder. I was put on depakote and as well as keeping the other meds. But the depakote made me throw up. I saw my Therapist for about 3 months and then off an on and then not at all. I became agoraphobic. And had self mutilating behaviors. I was basically wasting my life away in bed. Some days not even taking a shower. My parents are great because they are educated people and realized that this wasn't my fault. They just wanted to help me. 

Well, they wanted to put me in the hospital and I wouldn't have it, so I decided to go back to my Therapist. The one place I went during the week . And I changed psychiatrist to one that was closer to home. He put me on Effexor. And Neurontin, with ativan as needed.  Neurontin didn't really do anything. But I do like the Effexor. Then he tried me on Tegretol. But the tegretol made me anxious. I am happy to say that I am not completely agoraphobic anymore, and I am getting out. And I see my Therapist every week now. 

But my battle is far from over. I am still quite depressed. And I don't really know what to think about life. I'm having an almost 2nd child hood, and am very clingy to my parents. I'm 21 and I don't like doing things that most 21 year olds like to do. Plus my short term memory is really bad. So even if I got better enough to go back to school, I don't know if I could. At the moment my mother and father are in California because my mom is having major back surgery. Surgery she desperately needed. I think I'm doing pretty well without them, although I've had several panic attacks in their absence . But I've decided to go into the hospital somewhere after my mother is well. I'm also going to see an endocrinologist in June of this year.

Anonymous