Borderline Personality Disorder Person Very Isolated 

It's funny you should be on this subject, because I was just saying to my psychiatrist today, that if I had been successful in killing myself any of the times I had tried to when I was younger, I would never have lived to see my son, now age 30, who caused me so much heartache and who screwed up his own life so miserably, redeem it and be so happy now, and how glad I am to be around to see it (he has graduated law school, passed the bar, works as assistant DA, and is about to be married in the summer to a lovely young lady).

As a young person I didn't have the life experiences behind me to give me much to hang on to, and it is some kind of miracle that I have lived to get to experience the positive outcomes of a few relationships, like the one with my son, the same son that would not speak to me for 4 years, my only child, the one who broke my heart in two.

On the other hand, the years of struggling with my illness have taught me to stay out of, away from, ! certain situations, and yep, I'm one who is downright reclusive. My numerous attempts at relationships were fraught with so much lability and pain, pain that I caused and pain that I received, that the anxiety of, the anticipation of more of it, stops me like the Robot saying, "danger, danger, danger, Will Robinson," and I have been out of circulation so much that when a family member coaxes me or manipulates me, back into their fantasy of the perfect Christmas, I balk, once again proving to them that I am the problem. (My sister, who has never even addressed her own 350 lb. of problems, thinks we should have Christmas dinner together at her house 4 hours from my home and is persistent in her fantasy, getting other family members to try to convince me that we "need" each other and "need to be together" Ha. Like I need a heart attack )!

I cannot say that I am "happy." I think that I am content, tho. I enjoy my little poodle, watching TV, reading, the computer. Mostly solitary experiences. I even prefer to shop by phone or computer. I can't see myself "with" another person.

My divorce was in 1979 after 8 yrs of marriage and I have never wanted to do it again. To give all of myself to another and then lose it feels like it would destroy the self I have managed to salvage. But I will be 50 yrs old this year and I never thought I would make it this far. It is some comfort to know that some of you out there in cyberspace have been there and understand.

Anonymous Person with BPD

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