Consumer Interviews

Age 
46

Gender
Female

Are you under care of a Doctor, Psychiatrist, Therapist, Other? Please List
FMT 

What is your diagnosis or diagnoses?
none officially given. 
current t does not like to work w/ dx's
ex-t provided a verbal dx, at my request, of bpd 1 yr after i left him

At what age were you diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder?
46 - bpd only 

Have you gotten better or worse? 
not able to honestly answer. as have just learned what bpd is.
the stress in my life has decreased and so has my environment so that has improved how i'm handling things.
my ex-t did not help me in dealing w/ bpd. matter of fact his behaviors accentuated it. he changed boundaries and modified the structure of therapy w/out discussing why. due to increased stress and lack of support i left him. 
i feel alot better.

If you've gotten worse, what do you feel made you worse?
i am worse during relationships that mean the most/a lot to me. matter of fact, no 2 ways about it. 

** Very Important Question If You Could Answer Fully -> If you have gotten better, what specifically has helped you? This could be different for every person.
i haven't gotten better but i do know i am better when this occurs in relationships:
there is true communication
i am recognized 
my feelings are recognized
i am clear in my boundaries
i work toward those boundaries and appropriate goals

Has medication helped?
never been on meds

*What advice would you like to give to others who are suffering from your same illness('s)?

don't let the dx overwhelm you. it will at first. but use it to learn about yourself and understand what you need help in/to work on. see it as a means for understanding yourself better.
get into t and work, really work, to accomplish goals; to understand what parts of life are more difficult. learn ways you can make those parts easier on yourself.
don't expect others (esp non-bpd'ers) to understand. there are a very few ppl that will truly care what we are working with.

How have either of these disorders interfered in your life? Which areas? Talk about it.
bpd only 
ummm...c'mon now! - relationships - lol
has also affected my work in that i was in retail sales for 16 yrs and dealing w/ the public was soo hard. i am not comfortable w/ people so this was very hard. esp since retail requires you to 'have' what they want, and hence, the expectation thing became huge as did 'hearing' them. i would take ppl very literally and it would cause huge problems. 
i think also, that bpd interferes w/ job performs/feedback. as i think w/ bpd i need more praise than perhaps another person may. the negative i take to heart, while the positive i have a tendancy to downplay.
relationships -
the emotional intensity and the emotional dysregulation is not understood by most ppl (and wasn't for me until i discovered bpd). i seek out relationships that basically are not healthy for me and overlook those that are. 
i have discovered how important consistency and lack of ambiguity is for me while it may not be a problem at all for others. hence, in trying to clear this up another person may feel controlled or needed too much and that may turn them off.

forever. i never really fit in. yet i was always comfortable in who i was/am.
i just never understood why i seeked something that was so far out of grasp. 
bpd explains the why - the intensity at which i really can feel. 
bpd affects all areas - primarily/most significantly relationships - of any type 
family/friends/partners



* Have you ever felt stigmatized due to having the BPD and/or bipolar disorder? Have you ever felt you have been looked down on or put down by others because you have the BPD and/or BP? Tell us about it.
yes! when i discovered bpd, i discovered it as a result of a friendship gone bad. the other party somewhat 'used' the label yet did not show much understanding. ie, i needed some dialogue with them. i don't feel they had interest in such. i think it helped them feel not as bad about our failed relationship, but it likewise did not encourage them to reconcile.

What do you know now that you wish you would have known long ago?
that i have bpd.
that my emotions were not 'normal'
that my logical thinking and my ideals are indeed beyond most ppls (least non-bpd'ers)

* What does it feel like to have your disorder? 
it can make me feel lost/alone
frustrating that so many ppl cannot understand...or even want to try
i wish it weren't so stigmatized esp by the mental health industry. tho there is no reason to go around saying i have bpd. there are times when it would be helpful to be able to. because of the existing stigmas, that is not possible.

*Have you ever felt seriously suicidal? How many times? What got you through that (those times)?

i would have to say once, maybe twice. i however do not have that ability.
the thoughts were (hard to remember) somewhere like this:
i have tried for so long to 'do' and 'do right'
i had thought i was loved, but am not
i need to be seen/heard and am not
i have suffered too much, and no one knows or understands
i have stuffed for too long, and cannot take it
i am feeling all this and it is more pain than i can bear
why am i here? i do not want this pain, nor do i want to stuff things any longer 
i think i have had enough
i did not attempt suicide... i do not have it in me.... if i did, i surely believe i would have attempted.