Consumer Interviews

Age
22 

Gender
Female 

Are you under care of a Doctor, Psychiatrist, Therapist, Other? Please List 
All of the above. 

What is your diagnosis or diagnoses? 
Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Major Depression, Organic Affective Syndrome, Polycystic Ovary Disease, and Diabetes. 

At what age were you diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder? 
20 Years old

Have you gotten better or worse? 
Better, then worse. Overall though I'd say worse.

If you've gotten worse, what do you feel made you worse? 
Simple daily stressors adding up over time. Less and less contact with those I care about.

** Very Important Question If You Could Answer Fully -> If you have gotten better, what specifically has helped you? This could be different for every person. 
I have gotten better---a LOT better. When I started taking my medicine I felt tremendously better. Then I stopped taking it and felt even worse than before. Then I went to partial hospitalization....this also helped A LOT. However, 6 months after partial, I became even more depressed and self destructive than before. My problem isn't finding things that help....it is finding things that KEEP helping. Also allowing myself to feel better is a huge struggle. I don't know that I deserve to. 

Has medication helped? 
Yes. I am currently taking Prozac 40 mg p/d, Wellbutrin SR 300 mg p/d, Desyrel 150 mg, and Zyprexa. The Prozac and the Wellbutrin made an amazing difference. The others basically have no affect that I can tell. 

*What advice would you like to give to others who are suffering from your same illness(s)? I can't even give advice to myself. I would just say that I know how shitty this is, and one day it will be over one way or another.

* Have you ever felt stigmatized due to having the BPD and/or bipolar disorder? Have you ever felt you have been looked down on or put down by others because you have the BPD and/or BP? Tell us about it. 
Yes. Many therapists have refused to see me based on my illness alone. Other therapists already have their defenses up before they even meet me. I was told that BPD is one of the hardest diagnoses for therapists to treat--That always runs through my head when meeting a new doctor. I have to wonder if maybe they drew the short straw.

What do you know now that you wish you would have known long ago? 
Honestly, I wish I would have known how bad it could get when I was younger. I would have ended it then and not had to go through all this. Now I am stuck here because of certain things that would not have been a factor then.

How have these disorder(s) interfered in your life? Which areas? 
Of course my relationships have suffered. I sabotage every good relationship...and hurt those I love. I could not continue my schooling due to an overwhelming depression which left me in bed at all times. My job has been threatened due to the many hospitalizations. Also, my health has suffered greatly from the cutting, binging, and excessive pill taking. 

* What does it feel like to have your disorder? Wow....no one has ever asked that before, they never really cared. Basically I feel like I have no control. I can't control anything in my life..even down to the basics of getting out of bed and showering. I feel mad. Mad at myself mostly. Mad because I didn't end this long ago.....mad because I won't end it now. I hate myself more than anyone else could ever hate me. I want to hurt myself. I want to feel pain....extreme pain. I want to have a terminal illness so I can die but it won't be my fault.....It can't be my fault. I feel like no one in the world understands the way I feel....and I don't have the words to explain it to them. I feel an almost glorious sadness that swallows me up, but at the same time is warm and cozy and safe. I feel like a failure in everything. I am probably the only person that can fail at just living. But most of all.....more than anything........I just feel TIRED. 

*Have you ever felt seriously suicidal? How many times? What got you through that (those times)? Of all the times I've overdosed (2 major overdoses, many many minor) I'm not sure how many were actually serious. I always feel like I want to hurt myself as much as possible.......and if in doing that I die, that's a bonus. I suppose my relationship with my girlfriend has gotten me through. She can be relentless about hiding things and watching me. She also has no problem with having me 302'd. The sad part is...I don't WANT to get through those times. I want to make myself feel so bad that even with all the guilt and hurt I would cause...I wouldn't care and could kill myself finally. Why is it so horrible to commit suicide? When an animal is hit by a car and in extreme pain, isn't the humane thing to do help it die? Why am I any different? My guess is because other people don't believe how much it hurts.....and they won't listen to me.