Consumer Interviews

Age - 34

Gender - Female

Are you under care of a Doctor, Psychiatrist, Therapist, Other?
Answer: Under the care of a Therapist. No longer on meds, but was previously under the care of an M.D. and a Psychiatrist.

What is your diagnosis or diagnoses? 
Answer: BPD/PTSD/OCD

At what age were you diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder? 
Answer: Was diagnosed at age 32, but knew for years (and was in therapy) that there was a problem.

Have you gotten better or worse? 
Answer: Getting better every day!!! But - had to get worse before I could get better.

** Very Important Question If You Could Answer Fully. If you have gotten better, what specifically has helped you? This could be different for every person.
Answer: The things that have helped the most are: Getting real in therapy. Having someone who even if for a short time each week - accepts me for who I am, listens, doesn't condemn and knowing that what I went through matters. 

I have been writing for a year and taking my writing in to therapy. It has really opened the door for a real awareness. I have learned that what I needed the most - was to know that while no one could take my pain away, that my pain matters to someone. 

Also - I have been reading the Bible diligently and applying it to every area of my life. I guess you could say I've been "renewing my mind" and have experienced true freedom. The other thing - I have communicated with other people who have the BPD via the internet and the mental health sanctuary through chat and the bulletin board and this has helped tremendously - to know I'm not alone, and to glean things from others who are further along than I am in recovery.

Has medication helped? 
Medication helped me in the past when I felt I was losing my mind and I wasn't sleeping and I needed a reprieve. I have taken just about everything you can think of. However - I am at the place where I am getting deeper and deeper in therapy and I have stopped taking the medication. So far I am okay - for a year now. But if things ever get "dark" again, I won't hesitate to go back on medication.

*What advice would you like to give to others who are suffering from your same illness(s)? 
Answer - I would say first of all - find a competent and caring therapist. Then I would say - don't give up. It can be a long process. But every life is precious and God created us with a purpose and has great things in store for every person. I would say that the ability for true healing can only begin when a person is willing to get real and look deep within himself/herself and when the person has an attitude of perseverance and is not willing to give up. 

Also to realize, as I said in my story, it is not so much what happens that matters, as how the person perceives it. Don't minimize your feelings or what you have been through - but be honest and face it. You will never get better if your goal is to stay a victim. We are responsible for our actions, however, it is not our faults we have this disease. But just like a person with Diabetes is responsible to eat right and take the right medication, we are to be responsible to take medication if that is what is necessary, and to gain an awareness and strive to gain the necessary tools to function in society in an appropriate way!
Our anger and pain is not wrong. But how we handle it can make all the difference.

How have either of these disorders interfered in your life? Which areas? Talk about it.
Answer: For me it has affected my relationships and my own self-worth. I also lived in fear for many, many years. But that fear of intimacy is what has plagued me the most. I have always been able to hold down a job and function normally in society - as long as I kept people at a distance. It has been when I have allowed people to get close to me that I have experienced great difficulty. I am getting better and better - but this is still hard for me. Especially a relationship with a person of the opposite sex.

Also - I self-harmed myself for many years. I have stopped this and truly find the urge is gone. Also - those trust issues. And I had a rage problem too, but have retrained myself and learned good communication skills. I am no longer a door-mat but I now treat other people with respect.

Have you ever felt stigmatized due to having the BPD and/or bipolar disorder? Have you ever felt you have been looked down on or put down by others because you have the BPD and/or BP? Tell us about it.
Answer: Sometimes I think my Psychologist may view me this way. But I haven't told anyone else about my diagnosis, except people who have it. My ex boyfriend knows - he is the only one. At times I felt he used this to give him an edge and when we had "normal people problems." maybe he would bring this up to get out of taking responsibility and to put all our problems on me. 

What do you know now that you wish you would have known long ago?
Answer: I wish I would have known that there was a reason that all my feelings were there. I always thought I was evil. I wish I would have known that hurt people - hurt people. And I wish I would have known that this is an illness - not something that is my fault. I also wish I would have known earlier that there was help out there to assist me in integrating all the fragments of my life.


* What does it feel like to have your disorder? 
Answer: It used to feel awful - like I was some kind of freak. Now I feel like a human being who has an illness. Plain and Simple.

*Have you ever felt seriously suicidal? 
Answer: I felt suicidal many times. I got through it with the love of friends. My most suicidal times were in the last 5 years, but I have a son and that is what always stopped me. It was not an option.