Consumer Interviews

Age - 50 

Gender - female 

Are you under care of a Doctor, Psychiatrist, Therapist, Other? Please List
1. See a therapist weekly

2. Pysch doc every 3 months

3. Primary care physician every 3 months

What is your diagnosis or diagnoses? 
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 
Borderline Personality Disorder 
Depression

At what age were you diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder? 
43

Have you gotten better or worse? 
At times I have been very dysfunctional, I went 4 years with no hospitalization and then twice in 1999, then once in 2000 and 2001. 
But I believe I’m doing so much better now.
If you’ve gotten worse, what do you feel made you worse?


** Very Important Question If You Could Answer Fully ->

If you have gotten better, what specifically has helped you? This could be different for every person.

I am better in the sense that I finally found out that what and how I was feeling had a name to it. Not everyone is like this and there are ways to seek treatment and I can help myself through reading and applying cognitive behavioral therapy skills I have learned. I have been through the book, workbook and classes for this at least 6 times (including refresher classes). I am very strong and willful at times and have tried to use this to my advantage to get better when I’m in a good period.

Has medication helped?
I have been on at least 8 different medications for depression and PTSD. I started Zoloft about a little over a year ago and it has made all the difference in the world. Simply because paranoia was one of my prime problems in treatment process.

What advice would you like to give to others who are suffering from your same illness(’s)?
Hang in there and do NOT give up. Find the therapist, family and friends who believe in and stay by you. My husband and son have stood by me through some pretty awful times and certainly had good reason to leave me behind. Therapists and doctors too, have been very patient with me. But I and they were determined at the right times to stay with me and help find some solutions for the then current crisis I found myself in.

Have you ever felt stigmatized due to having the BPD and/or bipolar disorder? Have you ever felt you have been looked down on or put down by others because you have the BPD and/or BP? Tell us about it.
Yes, after I started to work again I made the mistake of telling my office manager about some things and much later (3 years) she used it against me when I applied for her position when she resigned to pursue another job. She told the Supervisor I was unstable and not well enough mentally to handle that position. I was furious to say the least. I also was hospitalized during this time period and missed some work and she totally changed her attitude from one of originally understanding to one of stigma. She seemed to find reasons after this to bring it up (hospital, instability) regarding my work performance, emotional reactions, etc. to every situation. I was ready to quit my job because I couldn’t handle her abuse of information. Lucky for me she left and after about 6 months co-workers have seen for themselves that their information was tainted by her interpretation and not necessarily the real facts.

What do you know now that you wish you would have known long ago?
That there was help available, that I didn’t have to have a mental breakdown for this to be determined. Information good or bad is still informative.

How have these disorder(s) interfered in your life? Which areas? 
My past has haunted me. I didn’t understand my feelings or how to express them and so many inadequacies socially and emotionally. I tried to force myself to be positive and social, regardless of the fact that I was constantly on guard day and night. I have stuffed the anger about past abuse and school days torment.

What does it feel like to have your disorder? 
Destructive at times, my self-harm gets out of control, my inability to express myself emotionally, I feel the only way to express it is to do it through self harm behaviors, a release of information to myself about myself. Create pain to feel pain because of the inner pain that needs to come out where there are no words to use.

Have you ever felt seriously suicidal? How many times? What got you through that (those times)?
I have been seriously suicidal several times, the first time at a young age, around 13 or so I prayed and asked God or aliens, someone to take me away to heaven. I could not tolerate the awful pain and humiliation of being different from everyone else with the genetic disorders I had. I didn’t understand how people could be so awful to each other. Letters were mailed to our home from kids who were planning to hurt and embarrass me at school, pull off my wig and make a mockery of me in front of the other classmates.

This was just the first of several more times in my life I have been suicidal. Failed suicide attempts, such as I woke up after taking pills by myself in my apartment. I cried because I couldn’t even commit suicide right, I woke up! I got up went to work and never told anyone.

I accepted Christ as my personal Savior in 1975 and this made a major shift in my life and the people of the church were so different and treated me well, like a regular person should be.

In 1976, after I met my husband, Harlan, we married had 2 children my life took on a new meaning and destination. I still struggled with myself and didn’t understand what my problem was since I had a good husband and family of my own now. But in 1993 when my daughter and I were in that car accident my life shifted into a whole new dimension. I thought I was coping with the grief of her loss but I was not and withdrew into myself (head), sank into a deep depression and then the mental breakdown in February 1994 set into motion a string of events, hospitalizations, half way homes, day treatment programs etc. But I made up my mind one day to allow joy and happiness back into my life and try to learn to live again. Prayers and support of family, friends and my church made the difference for me on a road to recovery and rediscovery of who I am not what I have been diagnosed with.