Consumer Interviews

*Age*

28

Gender

Female

Are you under care of a Doctor, Psychiatrist, Therapist, Other? Please List

No, not at this time.

What is your diagnosis or diagnoses?

Borderline Personality Disorder, Bulimia

At what age were you diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder.

26 or 27

Have you gotten better or worse? 

I am better than I was.

** Very Important Question If You Could Answer Fully -> If you have gotten better, what specifically has helped you? This could be different for every person. 

I really felt the therapist I went to (though she wasn't updated on a lot of the new BPD information and there were things I didn't agree with) helped me. She helped me to be able to control my extreme rages. Ever since I was little I honestly thought I could not help it. She helped me to start thinking about the situation instead of just reacting to it. I never thought that was possible. Now I control my temper and rages much better. They are not gone but are not near as bad and come less often. 

The other day my husband was leaving to go to Utah with his mother and two sisters to see his brother who is very ill. I was glad he got to go but as I dropped him off at his mothers I was very jealous and very scared. I started driving away and I felt so awful inside, like I wasn't going to be able to handle it. So calmly I drove back and calmly told him I was very jealous, and just expressing that made the whole difference, because he knew now that it was hard, but he knew I wanted him to do it also. It also helped that I knew he missed me. This is a big step for me actually. The last time something like this happened I completely lost it. 

The eating disorder that I have, or do not have now, is better because I got pregnant and breast fed. I am still breastfeeding and am having a hard time weaning my daughter, which I think is a good thing, because the longer I stay away from the disorder the more I don't feel like going back to it. Having the disorder makes my rages worse because my body is stressed, so I think that in itself helps. 

The self injury hasn't gotten much better. I don't cut as much, but I hit myself a lot. It's harder to control because it's such a coping mechanism. 

Has medication helped?

Medication did help with the rages and depression. I have been on a multitude of medicines but never felt any of them were the right ones. With the meds that did help with my rages, I didn't like them because I felt so different from how I felt before and I missed it. I hated feeling "in between" rages and lows and actually felt even more empty. I felt I needed the high I got from the rages. They make me feel alive. Though, like I said, they are quite a bit better than they used to be. My husband doesn't agree but he just doesn't realize or understand how I felt I guess. So I am not on meds now and prefer it that way, unless I get so depressed I can't stand it.

Another reason I do not like meds is because I was afraid they'd take my eating disorder away and I didn't want that. I find if I'm the one who can control the rages then it feels better and it feels like me. 

*What advice would you like to give to others who are suffering from your same illness('s)? 

I think I have a hard time giving advice because so many people can have different ideas about the same thing, and don't agree. But the advice I do give is to really let yourself think about what you are doing and why before you do it, or FEEL it. That goes with anything, like self injury, rages, and any impulsive acts or choices. Talk about the past, though I don't mean dwelling on it, really helps. It especially helps to have a good therapist who can also listen, though that can sometimes be difficult. 

* Have you ever felt stigmatized due to having the BPD and/or bipolar disorder? Have you ever felt you have been looked down on or put down by others because you have the BPD and/or BP? Tell us about it. 

When I was trying to find a therapist I had a really hard time because hardly anyone would take anyone with the BPD. Not many people know I have it except some family members and close friends. My friends have not said much about it or asked much about it. Some think I don't have it, but they haven't seen me at my worse and there are some things I haven't told some of them. Some of the things I do tell them they can't imagine I'd do or they seem to just forget. Some hear the name, Borderline Personality Disorder, and think multiple personalities and I think that confuses them also, even when I try to clarify and explain. 

My husband was a psych tech at a local Behavioral Health Center. From what he heard, and he kept his mouth shut, there is definitely a stigma for the BPD. If someone came in on an overdose for a specific reason or in a certain way, some of the nurses would say negatively that she was just BPD. I never heard them say this and it was from my husbands point of view and he didn't think they were very understanding of it. They said some things about it that weren't true and just labeled that person that way. It really made me angry because I thought, how are these people supposed to get proper help. I hope I never go there because, knowing that, I might have a problem. 

What do you know now that you wish you would have known long ago? 

I wish I would've been diagnosed a long time ago. I know now that I can control things, as hard as they may be sometimes, even though it's hard and takes a lot of work. I wish I would've known more people who have felt the way I do. (thanks for the internet now). 
. 
How have these disorder(s) interfered in your life? Which areas? 

The BPD has always interfered with my life. I've had problems at home with it for as long as I can remember back, mostly dealing with my temper. In my teenage years it was my temper and self injury. I've dealt with money irresponsibly in the past and have become much better. 

It's effected most of my relationships, though not all. I'm pretty good at hiding it from people outside my immediate family. Though a couple times I have had rages in front of people I shouldn't have. I got very angry with my father once while my sister had friends over. I swore horrible words at him, yelling at the top of my lungs. My sister was very embarrassed. I almost had a major blow up while my mother-in-law was in the room. It was not directed towards her, but towards my husband. My husband sees any effects of my feelings with other people because I always deal with them at home and not with the other people, because I don't want to hurt them. He's one person I can be myself with thank heavens, but it is not easy for him, especially with the self injury part. It's hard to hide things like this. 

I can also get slightly paranoid under stress and that can be hard. The sensitivity issues still remain difficult, but I've learned to handle my reactions to some of it in better ways. I've had problems at church before even. I feel anxious going anywhere like this for fear of my feelings. I once banged my wrists against the piano bench I was playing on because I was so upset. I know a few people saw me which was very embarrassing. 

Work wise I've had a couple of problems, but as long as I don't have to deal directly with people I am okay. I'd rather not work because I don't like to deal with people. Not to say I can't deal with people. I can usually get along with people well too. There are just those moments when things aren't easy anymore. 

* What does it feel like to have your disorder? 

I feel misunderstood a lot because of this disorder. I feel like I am evil and I feel two-faced. I feel like a freak who deserves nothing but expects it all. I feel really bad sometimes, but sometimes I feel selfish because I feel bad. BPD can feel empowering to me and it can feel like a safe haven. BPD can feel scary, and miserable, and can feel like way too much. Sometimes I just feel like everyone else seems to feel, and that feels empty, because I don't know exactly where I stand, who I am, and what is normal. That's confusing because I don't want to be normal, whether normal is bad or good. BPD feels confusing. I feel worthless, not because of the BPD, but because I feel like the BPD is me and not a result of something that happened to me. I haven't had anything happen to me that is bad enough to warrant the way I act. 

*Have you ever felt seriously suicidal? How many times? What got you through that (those times)?

I've only been seriously suicidal to the point of actually doing it once. I've felt suicidal to the point where I really wanted to die quite a lot. The time where I was actually to the point of doing it was scary because I wasn't completely there. I was in a mix of rage and depression, in a place I was completely unfamiliar with and around people and stresses that I was not prepared to deal with. But what got me through that was my children. They ground me because there are certain things I just won't do because I love my children and they mean the world to me. They are always with me in my heart and my mind. And that is not to judge people that have made a difference choice, because I know we are all different and all in different stages and places in our lives, and I can't judge someone's state of mind. There are things I don't do right even though I have children. But the suicide thing is definitely a thing they help me put into perspective. Other reasons for never committing suicide are my family, immediate and extended. I couldn't do that to them. Talking about things really helps, and meds if needed.

Personal Story:  "Karen"