Consumer Interviews

*Age*

44

Gender

Female

Are you under care of a Doctor, Psychiatrist, Therapist, Other? Please List

I have a GP for my hypothyreoses and somatic problems, weekly therapy with psychiatrist, outpatient theatre groups, school for people with social and psychological problems three times a week. Couple’s therapy when needed.

What is your diagnosis or diagnoses?

Borderline Personality Disorder with schizotypal traits

At what age were you diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder?

I was diagnosed with some borderline personality organization when I was about thirty. I read it in the resume of a two and a half year group therapy I went to once a week. About the same time I read about BPD in a scientific magazine and I felt that was something I knew about. I felt chilled, especially reading about the overall anxiety. Still I felt good about having a word for my troubles. When I was encouraged to find long time therapy, I told him that I needed help with controlling impulses as I knew that had caused me and my family terrible trouble during previous therapies. He set the diagnoses, when I was at 41 I guess, because it was necessary for the disability. On my initiative I took the SCID test and we found that I had some schizotypal traits as well.

Have you gotten better or worse? 

Better. 

** Very Important Question If You Could Answer Fully -> If you have gotten better, what specifically has helped you? This could be different for every person.

I think it was getting a therapist, the psychiatrist I’ve been seeing weekly for almost six years has helped a lot. He’s helped me sort out what brings out the outbursts. He also helps me find better options and choosing more supportive relationships. I have been helped by going to ACA and OA. I can use what I learn from the program in dealing with my BPD too. I know I’m powerless over my behavior, so I need to hand it over someone more powerful than me.

The disability has given me some more economical responsibility as well as letting me be freer to choose my own pace and level of functioning. I can also avoid environments that don’t appreciate my best or give in to my lack of borders.

Has medication helped?

I used seroxat for nine months. It was kind of like a shield against the world. My psychiatrist didn’t really believe in it. I was my GP who put me on it.

*What advice would you like to give to others who are suffering from your same illness(’s)?

Usually I avoid others. When in a safe setting I do advice therapy if there is something I can relate to as an overwhelming problem. It depends a lot on how we relate. I can’t just give some advice without knowing the person’s circumstances.

Have you ever felt stigmatized due to having the BPD. Have you ever felt you have been looked down on or put down by others because you have the BPD and/or BP? Tell us about it. 

I’ve felt looked down upon because of my difficulty in functioning like expected.
What do you know now that you wish you would have known long ago?

I know about the steps in the program. That change takes time. That my parents were adult children in some respects. How to safely find a therapist that will help me.

How have these disorder(s) interfered in your life? Which areas? 

I’ve been a pretty unpredictable mother. I could explode all of a sudden. I could seem accountable in some ways, but I’ve had great difficulty with appointments. People have found me queer. Some like it, others have gotten put off. My colleague before I went on sick leave really couldn’t take it.

What does it feel like to have your disorder? 

Sometimes I need to check with myself that it’s there. I feel it’s part of my identity. It’s better than feeling empty.

*Have you ever felt seriously suicidal? How many times? What got you through that (those times)?

I’m not sure it was really seriously, but:

I think twice, when I was 17 and about 30.

"You shall not put the Lord God to the test" I wanted to get to a good place, and I felt that there was no guarantee that I would when ending my own life. I also thought that I was accountable enough to be responsible for my actions. I am pretty sensitive to pain, and I was inclined to painful methods. I had supportive surroundings. I felt I could call on someone responsible to talk to any time.