Consumer Interviews

*Age*

26

Gender

Female

Are you under care of a Doctor, Psychiatrist, Therapist, Other? Please List

Psychiatrist
Therapist
Starting DBT group soonish (well gonna try…)

What is your diagnosis or diagnoses?

Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
New T is throwing around DID label…which I'm not too happy about, but she has not officially got anyone to diagnose me.

At what age were you diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder.

25

What age are you now?

27

Have you gotten better or worse? 

Worse

If you've gotten worse, what do you feel made you worse?

I was progressively getting worse up until the point I got diagnosed…still on a slide. Have not had a good therapist until about 3 weeks ago…so this did not help.

Has medication helped?

When I first went on anti-psychotics it did help, seemed to slow down my thoughts, which were always raging. I don't feel the anti-depressants helped all that much. Now I don't take anything…but T wants me to talk to P-doc and take something again??? 

*What advice would you like to give to others who are suffering from your same illness('s)?

Find a good therapist that you can trust, and trust them! At some point you have to unload the crap, let it go.

* Have you ever felt stigmatized due to having the BPD and/or bipolar disorder? Have you ever felt you have been looked down on or put down by others because you have the BPD and/or BP? Tell us about it.

Oh definitely. I had a casual job working in a group home with disabled adults. Someone told the boss that I was a cutter…that they could tell by my arm. The boss approached me about it (and to my shame) I made up a story about being dragged through gravel whilst horse riding. They never ever called me to work again, and I had been there about 2 years.

I have also lost friends because they can't handle me, my mood swings and so on. Now I am a loner, I don't relate to people, I don't mix with people, cept in the Internet chat room. Even at work I'm a loner, and they know I'm not 'right', and ppl don't go out of their way to talk to me or work with me…but that's okay, cause I avoid them too.

My brother won't be seen with me in public cause of how I look…my arms (scars) and because I get nervous in public.

My parents don't come see me, and that's okay too…though I miss my mum sometimes. My sister doesn't make an effort either. So I believe my family also stigmatize me, I don't meet their standards.

What do you know now that you wish you would have known long ago?

Hmmm…I am still in self-blame stage…so I don't know what I need to know yet…or maybe I know, but I definitely don't believe it.

How have these disorder(s) interfered in your life? Which areas? 

Majorly. They have interfered with my relationships (friends) - I don't really have any cept online. 

I cannot have a relationship with a male, out of the question, so I get very lonely.
I seem to be developing a social phobia too….so I am becoming a real homebody.
I have been able to hold down my job as a teacher so far, but I have time off a bit when I feel bad, cause I know I can't bring that mood to work. ( I work with disabled kids and have to work with an aide in the classroom.)

Also ( I hope this is appropriate) I had a big episode last year at work where I had big seizures and was unconscious due to an OD….this was not good for my job prospects. They watched me after that, and I had to see a Dept of Ed psych for a while to be declared fit for work.

I am also a spend thrift…can I blame that on BPD??? LOL, no, I have spending spree's that drive me crazy cause I know I can't afford it. I am way behind in some payments at the moment, cause the money is just not there.

* What does it feel like to have your disorder? 

To me it feels normal. I am almost scared to be different, cause that would be letting down my defenses and trusting people.

I feel lonely, scared, sometimes I feel outright crazy, especially when I cut or OD..which at the time feels okay, but afterwards feels totally stupid.

*Have you ever felt seriously suicidal? How many times? What got you through that (those times)?

I have made a three decent attempts….OD'ing on a variety of meds. Once was as I mentioned above, the effects hit me at work…so I was taken to hospital. I had done it the night b4, went to bed and hoped not to wake up, but I did…so I assumed I was okay! 

Another time my flatmate called the Ambulance/Cops on me cause I had trashed the house, throwing things, ruining things, then had gone to my room an OD'd, so again, was taken to hospital (she was not meant to have come home that night…and did). And the last time, I actually thought I was fine, went to therapy (horrible p-doc) and she picked up I was fading out…she asked me what had I taken…and I don't remember much after that….woke up in hospital. 

I have had other OD's, but not to the same degree as those 3. 

I think now, I got to that point last week, I called my T and she phone coached me…TG she talked some sense into me…I cut still L but did not OD which I had planned to do. It makes a difference having a T that I like…BUT I hate that I like her, cause I'm scared that she'll leave me (typical) and that makes me want to shut off from her.

And I praise God that He is my saviour, He also gets me through. Though I still need to work in the faith department.