Consumer Interviews

Age

26

Gender

Female

Are you under care of a Doctor, Psychiatrist, Therapist, Other? Please List

Yes, I see a psychiatrist who is also a psychologist.

What is your diagnosis or diagnoses?

Borderline personality disorder; Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; episodes of depression; episodes of depersonalization.

At what age were you diagnosed with the borderline personality disorder?

Well, I wasn't told what I had when I was in the psychiatric ward for self injury and depression. I knew I had depression, but they didn't tell me about the BPD; they uncomfortably referred to it as a "developmental problem". I only found out after I did some reading, and then asked my therapist. He said yes. I was about 20 at the time.

What age are you now?

26

Have you gotten better or worse? 

That's a though one. I feel that I have grown in terms of reality perception; I still see things very emotionally, but am more self-aware and able to analyze and sometimes avoid the pitfalls. 

I have no rages most of the time and am no longer violent when they do come. 

I have discovered empathy, which had been completely alien to me before; I still have difficulty, but I experience love, I miss people when they're away… It's very new to me to actually want to know what other people have going on in their lives. Before, I was very secluded in my own emotional storms. 

On the other hand, some of the symptoms have gotten much worse over the last 3 years. My anxiety levels are way up, I avoid making friends out of fear of emotional pain when conflicts arise. My negative emotions have become very strong. I have become very scared of emotional pain. 

Things hurt a lot more for some reason. A fight with a friend can bring about an attack of bad, painful depression. 

What people think of me is still a major issue, I am obsessed with not making anyone angry, because then I feel like my world is about to end, that I have no value and should not deserve to live. In short, people are more scary than ever to me.

If you've gotten worse, what do you feel made you worse?

I don't know… possibly the stress of becoming an "adult" while feeling like I'm still 12 on most levels.

** Very Important Question If You Could Answer Fully -> If you have gotten better, what specifically has helped you? This could be different for every person.

The things that have gotten better I attribute to growing older, therapy and medication. Without the chemical aid I could never get anywhere in therapy, because the depression and OCD would consume me. It would be all I talk about. And the therapy has helped me gain some perspective and a sense of right and wrong - before, I feel that many of my perceptions were warped. 

Another important part of recovery is the Internet. I have become very active, and have learned to create computer artwork; I have gotten very supportive and positive feedback, and this has helped me immensely to develop some kind of self-worth. I have never felt liked or appreciated; the Internet has provided me with a way to find support, someone to talk to, an outlet when I need to "vent", a place where I can meet people with the same problems (much harder off-line) and somewhat control my social interaction with them. I can set the limits easier - and that is VERY important to me, because I tend to lose sight of limits. 

I don't think people are aware of the importance of the web unless they become involved in a support-oriented community. Surfing around and looking for sex, information or random chats is very different from finding an emotional anchor. To me, the web is a lifeline. It is addictive, I'll give you that, but I live in a country where offline support groups are almost non-existent, and I would be very alone and asha,ed if I could reach out through the computer I feel very empowered by my internet activity. I have written countless articles about BPD, and people have told me that they print it out to give to their therapists and families; that is the most rewarding thing I can imagine. Knowing that I can express some of my feelings and conflicts, which until now have always been denied or misunderstood, is such a healing, rewarding experience. I can hardly describe it. FINALLY there are people out there who know what I'm talking about.

Has medication helped?

Definitely. I can't say it's helped with all my problems, far from it; but if takes the edge off the worst downs and helps me control my rage and anxiety. It helps me get more to the point in therapy, instead of focusing on the misery depression and OCD can create.

*What advice would you like to give to others who are suffering from your same illness('s)?

TAKE YOUR MEDS when necessary, and go through good therapy. Obviously not every medication will help, some can even hurt. And I dislike many of the side effects. So meds, for me, are not the solution - but they help me get to the solution, by enabling me to live and be emotionally "available" as I try to work through the mess in my head. Being depressed, for example, can cast a long shadow and change your level of energy and hope significantly. When I get depressed, I am more pessimistic, more suicidal, and more likely to give up on myself. I can't find the energy to think or to function. That is very bad when you're trying to heal. I try to pick my battles. 

BPD can't just go away, but its "companions", or results, depression and anxiety, can often be treated quite successfully - so I see no reason to drag that extra weight with me if I can avoid it. It's hard enough dealing with the BPD.

* Have you ever felt stigmatized due to having the BPD? Have you ever felt you have been looked down on or put down by others because you have the BPD? Tell us about it.

I have learned not to mention that I have BPD if I don't have to. I know we are considered manipulative and "hopeless" (a misconception, in my opinion) and it's always easy to shove one into a DSM drawer than to actually listen. Times when I felt stigmatized were when I read the writings of very angry BPD family members on the internet, or visited websites dealing with abuse and domestic violence; BPD is very often characterized there as a "wife beater disorder", at least that's the message I got. 

BPD is often presented as a guarantee for irrationality when described by non-BPD's. I was especially enraged when I read about BPD on a big mental health website - they described a person with this disorder as "the woman Glenn Close played on Fatal Attraction"… Remember? That murderous, bunny-boiling, out of this world Alex Forrest. That was presented as typical BPD. Unbelievable. I e-mailed them about it, and they kindly added that "however, this is a fictional character, not all BPDs behave that way". Gee, thanks.

What do you know now that you wish you would have known long ago?

That I am not crazy, spoiled, and a failure. I think.

How have these disorder(s) interfered in your life? Which areas? 

They effect me in any possible way. I have never been in a relationship. I don't know anything about sex or my sexual preferences; I am scared of people and very insecure; I walk around feeling like a 12 year old in a 26 year old's body, flabbergasted by the fact that people expect me to be an adult. 

My emotions rule my world and I feel empty whenever things are calm. I hurt myself. I often hate myself, because people have always criticized me for my exaggerated reactions. I can't trust myself, I doubt my perceptions, and most of all, I am always, 24/7, afraid.

* What does it feel like to have your disorder? 

A curse. A bad dream or a punishment for something I did and I can't remember. A gift sometimes - very rarely - when I feel extreme positive emotions, but that is very uncommon for me. And it's never worth the pain. It never could be. It feels like I have no skin, everything hurts so much. I feel like I have double the nerve endings of the normal person's body, everything hits me so much harder. I feel exhausted all the time. I feel like I'm a flawed product, a mistake. Sometimes I feel sick. Other times I just feel like I'm making everything up and deserve no support. BPD is always doubting yourself, always finding a reason the hate yourself. And when you don't, your behavior makes sure others will.

*Have you ever felt seriously suicidal? How many times? What got you through that (those times)?

Yes, when I was going through major depression. It was torment. Prozac helped me just as I was close to giving up. I have been plagued by suicidal thinking since I was 14, but I am not actively suicidal (yet). There was one night when I almost came out on the ledge, just to comfort myself with the knowledge that I could end it all, but didn't because I didn't trust myself not to jump impulsively. However, most of the time suicide is just there - it's everywhere I go, every stairwell, building, busy road, medicine cabinet, razor…. it's just THERE. But it's not active.