Consumers Share What Has Helped Them

Things that have been helpful to me in dealing with borderline personality disorder:

[1] finding people who are able to validate my feelings.

This is always a good thing in general, but I think that it is crucial for borderlines, because our extreme emotional reactions tend to make people very uncomfortable and frustrated, and thus less able to understand --> sympathize with our perceptions. Since very few families know from the get go that we have this disorder (which can appear very early on), they do not know how to handle us. Often we grow up in a very invalidating atmosphere because of this, even if we have good families. 

This atmosphere can be created simply by the fact that many loved ones (wanting to help us) are forever trying to explain to us that we are overreacting, making mountains out of molehills, etc. They are often right, of course; we can't deny the fact that this is one of our most acute problems. But to grow up with this constant feedback can be very rough on a person's self esteem and even their sense of reality. So, finding people who are aware of this and are able to accept that you are feeling bad even if there's no "real reason" can be very therapeutic.

[2] truly seeing the other side: the family.

I don't think I ever really appreciated my family's pain until I was myself involved with a person who had the BPD. That was the most eye-opening lesson I've ever had. I suddenly felt the helplessness, the anger, the hurt and frustration one can feel when loving a person who is painfully struggling with this disorder. I realize that every Borderline can't just get into a relationship with other borderlines in order to see this; but my feeling is that there is a pressing need to make this understandable to us (borderlines) if we want to heal, in the sense of gaining the ability to really SEE how we interact and react to people. Because so many of us are in constant pain and inner turmoil, we often have little awareness & energy to work on these areas.

If you're on fire, you don't really worry about pushing and hurting people while you run around screaming your head off, now do you? I think, to a lesser degree, this is the problem for many borderlines. The urgency of the pain can make us appear very self-absorbed.

I am not sure how it's possible to really help us see the other side without stepping on our proverbial (and tender) toes. There have obviously been many conflicts whenever BPD's and family members have tried to communicate. We saw that happen in the Sanctuary sometimes. 

I think the way to go is, perhaps, to make sure that the borderlines who participate are in a stage where they can accept criticism (I am not all there yet), and also that the family members who express their experience are ones who are able to control their anger to such a degree that they will not be tempted to lash out and accuse. It is not an easy task, but I think it's extremely important to do this, because apart from healing our relationships, this can help us gain a better view of ourselves outside of our head. Many times we are so consumed by the inner struggles that we are denied that advantage.

[3] Understanding that there is an important neuro-biological aspect to my disease

I find that it's easier for me to accept my problems when I know the rational behind them. I know that many of my problems are psychological, but knowing that there is a biological element has helped me tremendously in letting go of the guilt (not to be confused with responsibility). 

Once I know that I didn't just "make up" my problems, that there is a source and a reason for the fact that my emotions go haywire sometimes, I can start working on that instead of digging into my possible inner conflicts and motives that may not even exist. 

I find that therapy is very important, but if I didn't accept that a percentage of my problems are due to chemical imbalances/ brain abnormalities, I would probably get stuck on self-blame instead of moving on. Knowing about the dyslimbia theory, or about dysphoria, helps me make sense of the intense electric storms my brain goes through. Once I know why they happen, I also know that they will pass, and that makes it a little easier to whit-knuckle my way through it. Also, it makes me realize that there are certain predictable cycles that I might be able to learn how to break. Not to mention the fact that this awareness enables me to seek treatment by medication as well as by therapy. This can save me years of suffering. 

Depression and OCD are common for many of us, for example, because of the stress we are in. If I didn't think about BPD as a partly neurobiological disorder, I probably would have assumed that I have to work them out in therapy, while the right choice would be to also handle them medically so that I can focus on the problems that caused them in the first place. Otherwise, I would be letting the symptoms take over and thus prolong my healing process, which is already long enough, thank you. :-)

[4] getting internet support.

Because we are so vulnerable, many of us have problematic social skills. We can find ourselves very much alone, while we desperately crave human contact and comfort. In many ways, this makes the internet a perfect place for us to receive emotional support. We can stay anonymous and we can regulate ourselves better because it is a less immediate forum. That's not to say that our problems will disappear on the net, but it is easier to set limits there and to choose exactly the interaction we need [e.g., message boards but not chats], which is important for many of us who feel that they lose control too fast in relationships and have a problem with limits.