codependency
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Codependency

by Patty Fleener M.S.W.

I wanted to touch on codependency. It seems like an old subject yet people are hurt by this "condition" so often and so many of us have these issues and are not aware.

Why do I bring this up in a BPD/BP newsletter? Every person with the BPD or BP has a family member. If you are the family member, check yourself out for these behaviors quickly and if you can't relate then move on. 

Just because those of us who have the BPD or the BP may not be a family member of someone with a mental health disorder, doesn't mean we don't have a problem with codependency and it is very difficult to work on recovery when our focus is always on someone else. In fact, downright impossible. 

So many family members are focusing completely on the person who has the mental health disorder that they are not in touch with their own needs at all. This is not only unhealthy for the family member but for the person with the disorder as well. 

You must learn to get your life back and as the author Melodie Beattie says "lovingly detaching." You are not on this earth to take care of your partner or your daughter or your cousin, etc. Let me repeat that. You are not on this earth to take care of your partner or your daughter or your cousin, etc. 

That may be a part of your life and a very important part of your life. But that is not the only reason you are on this earth and that is not the only thing that defines you. You must find out who you are and become that person once again. You must be that person you were before you knew "that person" and have that person in your life as well.

What is Codependency?
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What does it feel like if you have been around someone strongly codependent?
I felt violated. My boundaries were crossed. I felt extremely angry and upset. I felt manipulated and power was taken away from me that belonged to me.

I had always heard that 50% of chemically dependent people are codependent.
My husband who attends AA says the joke there is that it is 100%. So I do not know what the exact figures are. 

Let's review some basic codependency behaviors. 

What do Codependents try to do? Controls others or situations. 
Do they really think they can control others? Yes. 
Can anyone ever control others? No 
Do they cross our boundaries? Yes
Do they mind their own business? No
Do they manipulate? Yes
Do they know what is best for you? Yes
What do they say when we get angry with them for crossing our boundaries?
I was only trying to help.
What are some reasons they do this?
To avoid their own issues. To get their mind off of themselves.
What does Al-Anon and CoDa tell them to do?
Butt out! Mind their own business. Get the focus off of them and back on their selves.
What do codependents do when they can't control you? Get angry.

Characteristics of Codependency
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1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you 
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you 
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain 
4. My mental attention is focused on you 
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you 
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way 
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems 
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain 
9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests 
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 
11. Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 
12. I am not aware of how you feel. I am aware of how you feel 
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume 
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you 
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do 
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do 
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship 
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you 
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you 
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own 
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours 
Are you Codependent?
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Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:
Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny? 
Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings? 
Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you? 
Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others? 
Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you? 
Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with? 
Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems? 
Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love? 
Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you? 
Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either? 
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Find a CODA meeting in your area at http://www.codependents.org:8080/codependents/main.nsf/search?openform
Website Links for Codependents: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/coda/
I recommend the book "Codependency No More" by Melodie Beattie. It is excellent. It has been out for several years but it has not lost any of it's value.



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