Comfort During the Pain

by Patty E. Fleener M.S.W.

How many times have we said "Why me? Why me God? What did I do to deserve this illness - to feel so bad - as if God Himself has left me? Where is the joy in life? All I feel is pain and at times it is all I can do to just hold myself and feel the pain."

Many of us don't believe in God or a Higher Power. We say, "why should we? What kind of a God would allow this - for us to suffer so much and so intensely?" Some of us believe, but are very angry with God. Some of us feel we are so busy trying to stay "unhurt" that we don't have the time to think about these issues.

In my case, I didn't know for years WHY I had the borderline personality disorder (BPD) and bipolar disorder (BP) and WHY my life has been so chaotic. What I CAN say now is that if it weren't for all those horrible years I wouldn't be doing what I am on my website now. I wouldn't be trying to help others. I wouldn't be interested in the field of mental health or in people with mental health disorders as I am. I just wouldn't understand you. I simply wouldn't have the passion I do to help others with this disorder.

Much of this passion is because at the age of 47, I am from a generation where there was no known treatment for this disorder.. It seems only recently that answers are coming. I don't want you to wait that long. Help is available now!

I don't know why it is from a philosophical point of view that you are suffering. I can only tell you of my experience. 

The issues I am bringing up are not really spiritual in nature (although studies show that people who have a strong spiritual life seem to do better), but rather, how do we view our illness, our pain and hardships? What attitudes are we bringing with us? What coping skills do we have or do we need? Just how powerless are we over our illness?

We all know that what we have is a medical illness. How do we know we have a medical illness? Research says so. Research, according to Dr. Markovitz is almost conclusive that BPD is inherited. I am not discounting any of you who have been abused in any way however.

The research abstract "Genetics of Patients with Personality Disorder by Torgersen S., says, "The effect of genes on the development of BPD is likely substantial. The effect of common family environment may be close to zero." Psychiatr Clin North Am 2000 Mar;23(1):1-9

We know we did not ask for this disorder. We don't deserve it and we shouldn't feel guilty for having it. We know that our brain is directly affecting our life, our moods, our behavior, etc.

You might be saying, "I am powerless, doomed forever - even my shrink says that I can never get better, that it is a true personality disorder. He/she says we cannot get better if we have an Axis II disorder." (By the way, BPD is on the WRONG axis code in the DSM-IV). Or you might be saying "I have already tried all the medicines - they simply don't work and I get so many side effects and get terrible weight gain…" or "I don't believe in medications and will not take them. I don't think they are safe and really feel if I could just resolve my past childhood issues, I will be better."

Here is what I am saying to you - EACH and every statement above not only will NOT get you feeling better, but they simply are NOT true! There are SO MANY myths prevalent among borderlines themselves, doctors, therapists, families, the media and so on. We are not going to keep getting better if we don't educate ourselves.

So, how much control do we have over the BPD? I believe we have much more than what we realize. Medication is the first key. We need to treat the brain. We also have control over our attitudes and what we think about and what we tell ourselves. Some may call this cognitive therapy.

We can take better care of ourselves, like avoiding stress when we can. Sometimes we need to get better rest, or we may make a decision to stay out of a relationship if we feel we can't handle it at the time. We may decide to take a look at our job. We may want to change Drs., or avoid people that are toxic to us, and so on. 

Also, we can give ourselves different messages, even if we don't believe it initially. We may feel we are inadequate but we must tell ourselves a hundred times a day how wonderful we are. Examples: "I am a wonderful, marvelous person. I am an excellent cook and a wonderful asset in this society, to my kids and my family. Each day I am getting better and better…"

The subconscious mind does not know the difference between what you tell it and soon it will believe it. When this happens, you will feel "out of your comfort zone" when you hold on to your old thought patterns and it will be automatic that your behavior will change to match your beliefs. 

When I received the bipolar disorder diagnosis after recovering so well from the borderline personality disorder. Due to the extreme moods swings I experienced, many days it was all I could do to sit on the couch all day. I don't need to remind all of you that we have to take all the steps to getting better when we feel the worst.

To be honest, I didn't have the time to educate myself about this disorder. I knew I had it and I knew that the correct medication would treat it. I was lucky and found a good nurse practitioner and got on medications. Here we go with the waiting process. How many of us are quite familiar with starting meds and waiting "forever" to see if they are going to work? If they don't or if we experience side effects we can't live with, we have to start all over again. Sometimes we fear we won't find the right med, that we will forever feel this way.

I always remind you that you are not alone and you are not.