Being a Warrior

 by Patty Fleener M.S.W.

The bipolar disorder and the borderline disorder are extremely painful disorders, so much that the suicide rates are high with each disorder. That's how badly we hurt.

In fact some of us feel comforted, knowing that suicide is an option and that we have a way out if it gets too painful. I not only understand this, I have felt this way myself.

If this article catches you in this state of mind, I want to remind you of something you already know but cannot grasp now because you are so deep in pain. Suicide is only * one * option! How many options do you have?? Many!

Nope, I didn't say that the other options will give you instant relief. But these options will keep you alive until you *do* feel better and yes, I am promising you that you * will * feel better! How do I know?? 

Because I truly believe that each and everyone one of us will at some time be able to live life without pain. There * are * medications out there that will help you that you have not discovered yet. I don't care how long you have been waiting for relief from your pain, it will come.

I went many, many years of my life in tremendous pain. I was so ill and so empty inside that I went out and made decisions about my life that furthered my own emotional pain.

One evening I went out to a local tavern with my two cousins. I begged them to go with me. My life was "going down the rabbit hole" and going down fast.

I was disabled and could not work only I could not "give up" at that time and apply for Social Security. I had no job and a 3 day notice to leave my home. I had no money and I mean NO money to speak of. In fact, I owed the bartender that night, vowing to repay her the next day.

A boyfriend who had been married 6 times and definitely had the antisocial personality disorder had also just abandoned me. For those that are not familiar with that personality disorder, let's just say he had no conscience and had been in the federal penitentiary for theft. These are the kind of men I attracted. Why? Because the people in our lives are normally a mirror of ourselves in regards to our own mental health status.

That was a shock for me to realize. I had always felt that I was ok and that I just kept picking sick men.

At the bar, I ordered a pitcher of beer to drink myself. The bartender refused, as it was too much for one person to drink. She was a good bartender. However, I convinced her that my cousins were sharing the pitcher with me, which was not true.

After becoming very drunk, I went to the ex-boyfriend's home and continuously rammed my car into his truck. I knew before I went over there that I was going to go to jail and folks I had never been to jail before.

I was arrested, booked and released.

My life was so out of control and so scary at that time that I was looking for some kind of structure, some kind of help from someone. I thought that would happen by being arrested. I was out on the streets again before the night was over still faced with my horrible life, but now without a car as I had totaled it beyond repair.

How did I ever get my life together from that point? I did it day by day, step by step. Each day I woke up and told myself I was a survivor and a warrior. That kind of thinking was the only thing that got me through one day to the next.

Plus, I had complete trust and faith in God and it was this foundation that I held onto. I knew deep inside that I would be all right but I had to work to get to that place. That is what you must know.

It will take work, time, medication, therapy, etc., but you must know that you * will * get there and you will be okay. You need to know that you will not always feel the emptiness and the enormous amount of pain you feel now.

This is a time for action and the least likely time to find this energy within you, but it is there. It is important to know also that you will need help. I did. I was smart and wise enough to know that I needed help and I got help. You too must realize that it is not weakness by realizing you need help. It is the opposite. 

You must make that phone call you have been putting off, or take that walk that you have not done. Whatever it is that will assist you in "the rabbit hole" you must do. You don't have to do everything all at once or even the same day but you must, must, must stay alive!

If you are currently suicidal, I guarantee you that you have no idea of the gift of life that you have. I can guarantee you that you have lost touch with just how important and how precious you are! I can guarantee you have no hope for the future, of ever being happy again. Just because you do not feel these things, does not mean they do not exist. Facts are facts. Depression skews thinking and you look at the world in a way that does not exist. It is merely your own depressive lenses you are looking though. 

One thing you are not is weak! You are not weak for feeling depressed or suicidal! You are not weak for getting help. You are not weak for making mistakes! 

My own personal opinion of people who have the bipolar disorder and/or the borderline personality disorder is that you are a "tough cookie." You have survived and are surviving a serious mental health disorder that brings with it tremendous pain. Your coping skills that you have learned from your illness has made you stronger. Stronger probably than many people who have been fortunate to have never felt this kind of pain.

If you are in a space where you are having a difficult time knowing who you are, you must know that you are a survivor.

I'm going to leave you on this note and as I always say, always remember that you are not alone!