Getting Out of the Tunnel

 by Patty Fleener M.S.W.

To me, having the borderline personality disorder (BPD), felt like living in a "tunnel" and you don't realize you are in in it until you are out of it. Coming out of this tunnel didn't happen all at once for me. It came in stages. 

As I look back at my life now that I am finally living 95% of my life out of the tunnel, I would have done many things differently. Here are some of the things I would have done:

1. Stay completely away from alcohol and street drugs. I never did drugs but believe me, the alcohol caused the police being called on a number of occasions. I don't believe that street drugs affect us the same way that drugs affects others. I have heard for example, that marijuana will make a borderline psychotic.

2. If you aren't recovered, stay OUT of a romantic relationship! I cannot emphasize this enough. This is the area that I was the most crazy. This is where we really show our illness and where I endured the most emotional pain. I noticed from my journals I wrote that I was a "happy camper" out of a relationship.

3. See a Dr. who knows how to treat borderlines right away and start the process of finding the right medications to help with BPD symptoms!

4. Get a therapist. Be careful here. There are many therapists who frankly do not like us, won't treat us and we are highly stigmatized by them. Many think we are manipulative. This is NOT true! Read my article on therapy. In my opinion, in therapy, the borderline should stay in the present and work on changing distorted thinking and behaviors. We have problems with emotion regulation and if therapy brings forth a lot of painful memories or thoughts, we are in trouble. We can go from feeling ok to feeling suicidal very easily and quickly and the rate of suicide is 10 %.

5. Try to stay out of stressful situations. We just don't handle them well. I deal with stress by sleeping a lot and eating. If the stressor is big, I stop eating. Stress has put me to sleep for 2 or 3 days in the past in order for me to recover.

6. Stay away from toxic people and stay close to supportive people that make me feel good about myself. We know who those people are. We feel the stress inside as a result of their company. Also, unconsciously we seek out others who are at the same level emotionally as we are and if we aren't into recovery, we're in trouble here. 

7. Get in touch with the spiritual part of myself. If you believe in God, however you perceive Him to be, get closer to Him. Whatever your spiritual beliefs are, bring them close to you. Statistically, people who function better in bad situations are the people that have a strong sense of spirituality.

8. Been more knowledgeable about my disorder. This alone would have assisted me with so much guilt for not being able to keep my act together. There was so much self blame, not only from me but from family around me. They weren't trying to be mean to me as I wasn't trying to be mean to myself. It was due to lack of education of my disorder, that no one understood. Had I have known more then, I would have forgiven myself for everything my illness has caused. Everything! However, this is like saying we won't sin anymore. We do our best but every day each of us sin. This is where medications and therapy come in to help us control our behavior and our thoughts.

9. This next item I actually did but it was of no help as I was not on proper medications to tame my symptoms. You will find that after you find the right medications, the things that didn't work before will work now. I did a lot of affirmations. They are an excellent tool as most of us just plain don't' like ourselves. Some of us hate ourselves. Remember this is a symptom of having the BPD. It isn't the real you inside. Learn to love yourself. Every day upon wakening and before you go to bed, repeat an affirmation that you need the most over and over again. You won't believe it at first. Don't worry about that. Over time you will. For example, if you tell yourself over and over again that you are thin and actually visualize that in your mind, over a period of time, your subconscious mind will believe that even if you are not thin. It doesn't know the difference. What happens at this point is that we find ourselves out of our "comfort zone." We believe we are thin, yet we are fat so we must return to what we know to be true and work to get back into our comfort zone - losing weight and becoming the person we have visualized.

10. Pamper myself. This may be a tough area because we don't think we deserve to be pampered. We think we are worthless. Pamper yourself anyway. Take long hot baths with bubbles or scented oils in the water. Put a candle in the bathroom while you are soaking with some soft music on. Get that chocolate you have been wanting. Get that book you want to read. Take yourself out to dinner, or to that ballet you have been wanting to see. When I was alone during weekends that my daughter was with her father, I would go down to a large bookstore in Sacramento where I lived and take my time to go through several books and buy one or two. Then I would go right next door where they have gourmet coffee and goodies and read some of my book there. Learn to like your own company. This is hard.

11. Forgiven those that I held grudges towards. My biggest grudges were my parents. During that time everything I was reading leaned toward being abused as a child as the cause of the BPD. So, I thought I must have had a bad childhood and perhaps I just don't remember a lot of abuse. My parents didn't have to do anything to anger me. I just "split" all on my own. Some of us however *have* been abused or neglected as a child or even as an adult. Sometime in our life, we need to let go of those feelings of anger and hostility. They hold us hostage as long as we harbor them. Holding on the that anger and resentment takes a lot of energy out of us even though we may not realize it. When we hold on to this anger, the person still has control over us. Forgiving is not easy and it doesn't usually happen overnight. I am not saying that person should be a part of your life if they are toxic, but inside of yourself, let it all go. Many of us need counseling to assist us here. Some people find that praying for the person you hold grudges against helps. Remember also, we split. We see shades of black and white. There are no shades of gray. People *are* gray - all different shades. 

12. Become aware of my borderline symptoms. I had no clue as to which of my behaviors was healthy and which was not. I joined the BPD email list on-line for quite a length of time and this helped me tremendously in this area. Also, like everyone who has faults that they would like to change, we must first become aware of when we actually do it. Examine what lead up to it? We are on "automatic pilot" when we behave in an unhealthy way. Like smoking, I smoke and 90% of the time I am not even consciously aware when I pick up a cigarette, light it and smoke it. It is a behavior I have done for many years. I am on "automatic pilot." Part of stopping smoking is to aware each and every time that I do this ritual. When we become aware at that very moment, we can begin to change by not choosing to do that behavior.

13. Begin to take responsibility for my behavior. I know we are dealing with a neurological disorder that we did not ask for, but we do have some control over our behavior. There were a few times I destroyed property during a rage. Part of taking responsibility is paying for the damages. Also, I never realized until I began to get better that I had frightened many people by my rages. You will learn more as you get better, that we hurt many people around us. This is extremely painful when we are finally able to see this. In the past my thinking was "some people are bad and they deserve to be punished." Also, as I began to come into recovery more, I went through a stage where it was like every other word was "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." This is a good phase as we are realizing we are hurting others, we acknowledge it to them and we are able to say "I am sorry." This is probably also a healing time for those around us as they begin to realize that our behavior has not been their fault.

15. Develop goals. My father asked me recently what my goals were for who I wanted to be, what kind of person and how I wanted to live my life. This blew me away! You would think at the ripe old age of 43 that I would had this mastered. Nope! I realized that I had spent the better portion of my life, focusing all my energy and inner resources into surviving. If you have the BPD, you know what I mean. I used to say "If I ever get better, I know I can do wonderful things." I functioned at a very low level for many, many years. It was all I could do to survive each day and I wasn't even doing that. It is when we begin recovery, that much of our inner self finally has energy to focus on other areas of my life. All of my energy was no longer sucked into survival. What a wonderful feeling! You will feel it to if you get on the correct medication(s) by an informed Dr., and follow it up with therapy.

Conclusion

You might be saying "Does she expect us just to go to work every day and come home?" Pretty much, yes, I am. This lifestyle was terribly boring to me in the past and usually is to someone who is emotionally unhealthy. On the other hand, when I lived dysfunctionally, I hurt very badly inside. I am asking you to live a boring life doing boring things like going to work every day, cleaning your home, taking your medication after seeing a Dr., keeping your body clean, taking care of your children, paying your bills, facing your feelings of loneliness, etc. For recreation, this only includes positive healthy activities with positive healthy people.

List of Things Not to Do Before You Get Into Recovery

Go to Bars; Find a Relationship; Self-Mutilate; Drink Alcohol or do Street Drugs; Don't Go to A.A. if needed or other support groups; Call your ex-boyfriend; Get a Stressful Job; Make Major Life Decisions; Self Pity; Blame Others; Split People; Miss Appointments; Feel Hopeless; Harbor Anger & Resentment; Self Hate; Be Around Pessimistic People; Listen to Misguided & Uneducated Mental Health Professionals Tell You You Can't Get Better; Isolate

This list of course can go on and on and I am sure you can easily add things to the list that are not good for you as well.

Remember! You *will* get better if you follow in the steps of people who been where you are, have the same disorder, and are into recovery. You are not doomed to feel this way forever.