Self Blame

 by Patty Fleener M.S.W.

I spent this morning attending my husband's Alcohol Anonymous (AA) meeting as the families were invited to the Halloween party afterwards. This was not something I would have been able to do a year ago due to a mental health disorder, chronic severe post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and yet here I was relaxed and really enjoying myself as if I'd never spent one day feeling ill. 

It was interesting as I listened to everyone in the AA meeting today. I had gone with my husband, Tim before to his meetings but it has been some time. It seemed to me that folks did a lot of beating up on themselves and as someone just coming in, looking at the larger picture, the "self beatings" did not seem appropriate.

We must take responsibility for our recovery and our mistakes in life. However many of our problems stem from our genes. Mental illness, chemical dependency, suicidal tendencies, weight and many, many more things are in the genes. It seems the more we learn as a society, the more we learn that we inherit many of "our faults." 

One person pointed out a very good point in the meeting. He had read "the big book" (the A.A. book) now going on three times and he related to it so much, yet he realized that a lot of the traits really are not the real him inside. Now this is a man who is beginning to get it. This man recognizes that his alcoholism and his authentic self are two completely different things. 

I'm not borderline or bipolar and my husband, Tim is not alcoholic - he HAS alcoholism. I HAVE the borderline personality disorder (BPD) and bipolar disorder (BP). Who I really am is Patty. My real self is hard to see sometimes because symptoms of my disorders get in the way. However when I am treated well, my authentic self is able to shine.

If you are down on yourself, practicing a lot of self-blame, please remember that it is very difficult to get by in this complicated world as it is without any disorders. 

You and I deserve a medal in my opinion. I know where I've been. There have been long periods of time in my life where I have experienced an inner emotional pain so bad that many people would not be here today. If you have the borderline personality disorder or the bipolar disorder, then you understand that kind of pain. 

You are also here today reading these words and many are not. The suicide rates for both disorders are high. You may have yourself attempted suicide in the past but you are still here today. You have still made it through. 

Now if you are like me, you don't handle stress well and the symptoms of your disorder(s) come out. 

However my point is this: In the depths of incredible darkness you have reached deep within and found an incredible amount of strength and courage. You may not even know you have this courage because most people I know who have the BPD have a very low self-esteem. 

However, that does not take away from the fact that you do possess strength and courage. It is not only ok but also healthy for you to pat yourself on the back. Don't wait for others to do it. They likely will not. 

Remember too that your mental health disorder(s) were in some way inherited or or were due to some other medical reason and it was not your parent's fault either. They got it the way you did 

One of the best things that you can do for yourself today is to learn to love yourself. I can guarantee that you are worth it. 

If you don't, it's time you get up every morning and say to yourself "I love myself. I deserve love." Do this 50 times. It doesn't matter if you believe it or not. Say it until you believe it. We are going to trick your unconscious mind. Once you believe this, you will be amazed at how differently you will treat yourself.

Here is a second thing you can do that will help your recovery. Find something you enjoy doing that will help others. This is a very healing experience. It will help to ground yourself by getting the focus off of yourself and it is a wonderful feeling to be able to assist someone else. (This is not a good exercise for super codependents). LOL

However wait until your cup is full before you can begin to help others. I encourage you to do the things that will get you into recovery first.