Relationship Grief

 by Patty Fleener M.S.W.

Grief is hard work and for some people, they choose to stay in denial and jump into another relationship right away (less than a month is really pushing it - the first person that comes along) so they don't have to feel the pain, face the grief and to face the fear of living alone. In fact many people are just so convinced that are madly in love with this rebound person because this person is so split - the rebound person has all redeeming qualities - all good, while the ex is all bad. 

When in real life, the person has no idea who the new person is. But they feel the glitter, the romance, the attraction and life itself looks and feels different. They feel they have literally been saved by this new person. Oh, if they had only met this person first.

However, sooner or later, real life creeps back in, the glitter goes away, the person gets to know this person better and sees them more as a real human being with faults and good qualities and OUCH! there is the unresolved grief that was left undone. Pain comes back to the person. The new person no longer acts like a drug as they once did and they find themselves with a person they don't know. 

They might then decide to do their next drug of choice, which could be drinking, sex, etc. 

Always hiding from pain, never facing it head on as that is the only way to get rid of the pain. Walk straight through it. 

My daughter told me "Mom, at least you are facing the grief. He isn't." And then she said the most important thing of all "What does it matter? He is history!"

It takes awhile to actually get to that stage where it truly does not matter what the other person does. In my case, he did everything he could to purposely *cause* pain. I have experienced a great deal of pain. 

What has really helped me is really sitting back and examining his behavior. Less than a month, on the third date he proposes AND plans to have children with a woman he knows after three dates. I would spend more time looking to buy a new car. 

It reeks of desperation. It reeks of looking for something to remove his pain and fear of being alone. It reeks of weakness.

There is a country western song on the radio that is going thru my mind "I'm not that lonely yet."

Life hands none of us guarantees and invariably we experience losses. I used to teach my daughter about choosing to be a warrior, facing life head on and fighting or a whiner, not facing life, and whining and hiding.

For me, losing my partner has taken backseat to losing my website, my cats and adjusting to living alone. There are many parts of living alone that I am beginning to enjoy and I plan on dating and moving soon. I want to be able to take the time to adjust to my new life, to be able to pick and choose who I want to marry again and not just act in desperation quickly as if my life depended on it the first person I date.

For those of you who say "Well I am all alone with no one to help me." 

My ex had a daughter and a son-in-law who not only helped him; he stayed there. I doubt that my ex had to make any real decisions as the daughter made them for him. Not healthy, no.

I had my cousin that I called on the phone when I needed to and a friend in another state that I also telephoned. I involved myself with the local crisis unit for several days during the worst time which was a strength on my part but other than those I was alone. As much faith as I had I God, there were times I swore He left me.

But I kept telling myself that I am a fighter because I am and I have finally reached a wonderful stage where it doesn't matter to me what my ex does. My feelings have not only died away but I get "yucky" feelings when I think of him. 

It is a wonderful feeling that I have reached the lowest period in the cycle of grief and I am going straight up now.

I am not however interested in his life and those around me on the Net do not discuss him. I am very curious and excited about my new life, the new people I am going to meet and I know there are some really bright moments ahead in my life.

I'm on my way up now. Just a matter of adjusting to my new life, though I haven't been able to come to terms with the loss of my cats yet.

So, if you can relate to this story you can tell yourself that you have gone through the worst and that you are coming out a healthy person on the other end and that you will be free to start a new life again HEALTHY.

There is nothing to envy in your ex. They are all caught up in a mess and this kind of behavior probably means they have lots of losses they haven't grieved and no wonder there is so much illness around them. Be glad you are free from that. Breathe deeply now a sigh of relief.