Things that Hurt Us

by Patty E. Fleener M.S.W.

I have received a few disapproving letters from people who disagree with what I have to say and they have attacked my personal life.

I think the moral of my story with the negative letters is that those of us with the borderline personality disorder (BPD) who are into recovery can go for long periods of time feeling that we are very stable, etc. Yet, it is amazing how quickly rejection sensitivity and/or stress can kick in. We realize once again that yes, we are in a level of recovery but we have not been cured. 

I was very surprised that I allowed these few letters to upset me. In fact, I would have advised any one else pretty much the same things I heard from others in the letters I receive. 

Many people have a good self-esteem. They have a great deal of inner confidence. They know who they are and those kinds of negative letters would not internally affect some people. They would have just pressed the delete button and continued on with their mail. Many of you can do that and many cannot. 

If things like that DO have an emotional affect on you, as it did on me, I think it is important, after you have calmed down, to examine within yourself just why it affect you so.

You can apply this to many situations in life. Do you ever say to yourself: Why do I become upset or stressed so easily where others do not? Why does it take so little to make me cry? People say I worry too much. I get angry quickly and easily. People have said they have to walk on eggshells around me. I can go from one mood to another in a matter of seconds. All it takes is just one instant of rejection and I'm on a downer. Even though I know in my head that I am over reacting and this is silly, I can't help my feelings. Just the thought of rejection frightens me. I know I am a good person but when people say bad things about me, it still hurts even why I know they are wrong. 

First of all, in regards to the borderline personality disorder), we can go from feeling happy to feeling suicidal in seconds. Why? There is a place in our brains (the limbic system) that regulates emotions. This place in our brains is "broken." So as a result, we are unable to regulate our emotions. We can have severe mood swings and the BPD has a very high suicide rate. Can you remember a time when you went from a stable mood to feeling suicidal ideation shortly thereafter?

Do you remember blaming yourself all the time for your mood swings, your rages, your suicidal ideations, etc.? How can you blame yourself when your brain was the culprit? Yes, your physical brain. Are you responsible for your behavior? You betcha!

You are responsible because you can choose treatment. You can make a choice to do the things necessary to lose that behavior.

In a nutshell it is to get a correct diagnosis for all of your disorders. The BPD and the bipolar disorder (BP) rarely come alone. Somehow they like to have company. There is where the affective spectrum comes in. Usually other disorders accompany these disorders even if it is irritable bowel syndrome, etc.

After being diagnosed properly, seek medical treatment with someone who knows how to treat your disorders. If you have the BPD, there are VERY few Drs. in this whole world who truly know how to treat this, so you may have to save money and travel. You may have to get on medication. 

After being properly medicated comes counseling. cognitive therapy, dialectical behavior therapy and psychoanalytic counseling  are highly recommended with people with borderline personality disorder..

Some people say, "Well, why do I need counseling? I am treated with medication now and I don't have the symptoms I had before." Ask yourself these questions? How many years have you been living a painful existence due to your disorder? How much damage did your disorder do to your life and your spirit? 

Many people with the bipolar disorder wind up in financial crises as they have spent so much money. Many BPDs have no friends or family left and they have lived through one trauma after the next. 

Many of us develop post traumatic stress disorder just from living lives with our disorder(s). I know I have.

Getting back to situations that hurt us and we don't think it would hurt most people…
I have explained some of the physical part of the BPD. Those of us who are undergoing a depression are obviously not going to handle much of life very well. We don't have the energy, we are sad already, we lack our coping skills, we are already near tears as it is, etc. Those of us who are experiencing full blown mania…I hate to think what would happen. For myself, to be quite honest, I would definitely write back, tell the person off and swear like a sailor. Doesn't sound quite professional, eh? Sounds more like a 2 year old. In fact that is how I see mania - it is a state of "reaction." There is very little thinking going on. Mostly one is RE-acting to one's environment or rather exploding.

If you have the BPD, your abandonment fears probably kicked in and you will react in a few different ways. You can either cry or feel worthless or you will blow up in a rage and do what the manic person did - write back and swear like a sailor.

BUT, what if you have the BPD but you don't meet the criteria any more and your life is very stable??? I suppose it depends upon the person, what is happening in their current environment, how stable they are, etc. One thing that is important to know is that you CAN be stable and happy and secure with the BPD, but at this time in history you will not be cured. Paul Markovitz, M.D., Ph.D. hopes that within 10 years or so there will be some genetic progress made that will not only cure and wipeout the BPD but many mental health disorders as well. Down the road we are going to laugh at our ignorance today. That will be a happy day. However we do know a lot more today than we did just 5 years ago.

As I have mentioned in the past, in my situation, stress has a way of bringing out my borderline symptoms at times when I thought they were long forgotten. It depends on the amount of stress and how vulnerable I am.

I think it is also important to remember that I am not the typical example of what a "recovering" person with borderline personality disorder would be like. In fact, I don't know that there would be one. I may be wrong. We are all so very different. I am also very convinced that I have a great deal of recovery yet to do.