borderline personality disorder
drug abuse, chemical dependency
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Q. It has been two weeks since I tried to kill myself. Of course I don't think I would have tried if I had not been drunk and high. I have  now been sober since then. I could not take the pain that drugs and alcohol had caused me in my life anymore.

There is a something that happened to me as a child I believe for the deep depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and drug problems that I have. I cannot remember. I keep thinking if only I could remember what happened I might be able to turn my life around. 

I was told that me and my siblings were all sexually abused, even though they remember things I cannot. 

I take Prozac but lately it doesn't seem  to be working. My main goal is to stay sober. I tried to slash my wrists a couple of times. I couldn't find anything sharp enough so I took a bunch of pills and they had to pump my stomach. This is not pleasant . One of the scariest things I have been through every time I look back I'm glad they saved me. The doctor said if I had not come in I would have died. But  I just don't want to feel the sadness that i feel almost every day. I have tried therapists. I have been in rehab 4 times. I am to the point where I feel that this is just the way my life is going to be. 

I know I am am not in a healthy relationship right now but I can't find the strength to leave. I have been with him 2.5 years, and were engaged until I cheated on him at the time of my suicide attempt. I cannot forget the unforgivable things that he has done to me, even though I feel I still love him. He hits me a lot and when I showed him I had slit my wrist, he laid his gun on the bed next to me and said, "Here, use this instead." 

I got pregnant about a year ago with his child which we both decided we wanted in a drug induced state of mind. I carried it for 12 weeks dealing with him never coming home and staying out all night partying. I could not take it anymore so I had my 4th abortion. I blame myself for not being strong enough to make it through the pregnancy without him. I want a child so bad still. He says we can try again now that we are both sober, but I don't trust him. I cheated on him with one of  his friends so he would kick me out but he took me back. He really is a good person, but there is a deep feeling in the bottom of my stomach that this is not right. 

I just want to be happy. Staying sober is one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. But the fact that I am doing it is very encouraging to me and making me feel like I am really trying to change but unless this depression goes away, I am afraid I will just go back to the drugs and alcohol to drown the pain and then eventually the inevitable will happen.

A. Thank you for your message. Please consider getting involved in treatment with a qualified therapist and psychiatrist as soon as you can. I applaud your efforts to get sober but often times when folks stop drinking and drugging, the strong and painful emotions that they have been numbing with drugs/alcohol begin to resurface. You will likely need more time to help you grow and heal before you will be ready to change your relationship. Good luck and take care.

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