borderline personality disorder
paul mason
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Q. I believe I may be suffering from borderline personality disorder and, even worse, may be in relationship with someone with the same problem. We have had an on again/off again relationship for over a year. I even left her and married someone else because she was so prone to on/off behavior. Now my marriage is ending, we decided to start seeing each other again, things were going extremely well, when out of the blue she changed her mind. What bothers me is it was so sudden (like always). Less than one day ago, we talked of marriage, promises were made, and now she says she can't see me and wants nothing to do with men. This is a pattern that is repeated on just about a monthly basis, i.e. "I love you/I don't want you". It can't be hormonal since she has had a hysterectomy.

She says MY sudden mood changes are what she can't deal with, yet she seems to have ones just as dramatic. Is this simply a case of immaturity or is there more to it and how can I tell?

Thank you for any insights.. I am very perplexed, confused, hurt, by all this.

A. Your situation sounds more complex than what you wrote. From your description, you have a relationship history with this woman and as a result probably know a great deal about how the both of relate and function together. The chance that this is just "immaturity" is unlikely. The probability that this is how you and her tended to function together in the past is probably quite high. Instead of looking for reasons inside of her, you may want to consider asking yourself a few questions'

1. Why do I want to stay in this relationship knowing that this is a "monthly" pattern of behavior"

2. Why am I discussing marriage so soon after a divorce? Is being out of a relationship for the time being ok and acceptable to me?

3. What tells me that I am healthy enough (and she is healthy enough) to be entering into an emotional relationship with someone with similar symptoms as me?

4. What makes me think that my mood swings aren't affecting her in a negative way?

Try to work out and process your answers to these questions. Take some time and be cautious about entering into a relationship too quickly.

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